Parenting Tips!

Parents today imagine that there is a trade off between being strict and being permissive; and that the benefit of permissiveness is honesty, that they are going to hear the truth and not be kept in the dark so you'll be able to help. The science says that those permissive parents do not hear more truth from their kids and the best way to hear truth is to set a few rules, consistently enforce them...and [be willing as] parents to negotiate occasionally. -- Po Bronson

Great interview with Po Bronson on NPR. Caught it via the most emailed stories podcast. It was one of those... wish someone had told me sooner moments.
Parenting Tips: Praise Can Be Bad; Lying is Normal.
i'd encourage you to listen to the entire thing, I was particularly interested in the bit on "why kids lie?"

Kids by the age of 4 will experiment with lying... it's a sign of their nacent intelligence, it's more complicated to hold in your head as a child the truth and an alternative reality... it's normative... the question is what do we do with it over time?... -- Po Bronson

An Interview with Tony Blair

An Interview with Tony Blair (videocast)
Tony Blair (Interview with Jim Mellado)

If you could have lunch with anyone alive in the world today, who would it be. Jim Mellado, president of the Willow Creek Association answered Tony Blair. This session was a video tape conversation between the two of them.


Challenge yourself on your decision making.
- Am I making this decision because it’s more comfortable for me or because I believe in my core that it is right.
- Am I more of a commentator on the situation or making decisions that lead to actions?

Bono- the Church... Three years later

Bono, the Church… Three Years Later (videocast)
Bono

At a Summit three years ago Bono challenged the church because in most cases it was absent on the global stage dealing with global suffering and poverty. This session was an update and shared what some churches ARE doing about it.

- In todays world, the concept of neighbor has completely changed

Intuition is better than intellect- Bono

- The people want their leaders to be honest to have a spirit of humility.

Switch- Chip & Dan Heath

Switch- Chip Heath and Dan Heath (Interview with Craig Groeschel)

Synopsis of Switch - what makes things stick? Concrete images and stories
New book- Switch Giddy that we got an advance copy!
Think of something in your life that needs to change.
If you are the leader, you are the rider and what you need to convince to change is the elephant.
You must convince them/it to move

DISCUSS: What is working, what are our bright spots? These are proof that we are capable. What is TBU- true but useless.

- Shrink the change so the elephant can stay motivated to move.
- Prepare people that failure is part of the process of success. Hope  Valley of Insight (aka failure) Confidence
- The “growth” mindset. Successful people have this. They believe that by working it out, it will get better. There is a tolerance for failure- in a time of change, failure is a necessity. When we work out our biceps we lift until we can’t lift anymore, fatigue is part of strengthening. Failure is a warning sign for success, but do we stop too soon?
- When I’m stuck consider do I have a person problem or a situation problem?
Example- seminary students were told they had some time to get to their speaking engagement- along the way was someone who needed help. 63% stopped.
Seminary students told to HURRY to their next speaking engagement passing someone who needed help 10% stopped.
Situation problem or people problem?
DISCUSS how we can attack our situation problems, roadblocks to people serving, journaling, attending regularly etc.- whatever our challenges are.

Reading List: Made to Stick

Eyewitness to Power- David Gergen (Interview with Bill Hybels)

- A teacher of leadership cannot make a leader. He can only make people aware of the principles of leadership and expose them to role models.
- We must create a culture of service and leadership
- Leaders have to learn to get better. Their lives must include a reflective practice, a combination of leading in the arena and of reading about other leaders learnings.
- After every game we MUST come together, reflect, write and discuss what we learned. How did I contribute? How did it happen in spite of me? What will I do differently?

Don’t confuse motion with progress- David Gergen

DISCUSS: What do I hope to accomplish in the next six weeks. Evaluate how did I do? This leads to self-leadership and accountability.

- Occasionally move from the dance floor to the balcony.

Learnings from the white house:
- Nixon white house advisor told Gergen that the thing to know was that there was a struggle in him between those who appeal to his bright side and those who appeal to his dark side. Isn't this true of all of us. How can we surround ourselves with people who appeal to our bright side and be people who appeal to others bright sides.

Sometimes INspect is as important as REspect in a leader.

- Maturity includes coming to grips with your own flaws. You have to learn to control them so they don’t derail you or hurt others.

Get up every day and just try to be better- N Mandela

- Your role as a leader is to inspire and lead a team of leaders, to partner and collaborate with other leaders.

“If you want to go fast, go alone, if you want to go further, go together” – African proverb

On communication and symbolism
- Ghandi was a suit wearing lawyer who wore a loin cloth to show his solidarity with the poor
- Inspiring others to common goals requires trust and communication
- Remember that speeches take place within a context; who the speaker is, (who the audience is) speaks as loudly as what he/she says.
3 elements of a good speech- Aristotle
Ethos- the identity, believability of the speaker
Logos- the compelling logic
Pathos- the emotion you stir/share
If you are unknown to your audience you need to establish your ethos personally or in the introduction, then introduce some pathos, then the logos, then end with pathos- inspire people to do something

Personal Habits of the best leaders
- Self- discipline; control over your life and your body. This looks differently for everyone. Churchill worked from bed in the morning, then took a nap in the afternoon- creating two work days
- Strong leaders are physically fit- they have endurance for the hard tests
- They build time in their schedule for reflection and to spend time with those they love who love them.

Bill asked David what he hopes will happen when he comes to church
1- Place for inner peace, to be reminded that it’s not all about him, that there is something larger
2- To learn something from the teaching, from the Scriptures
3- Church provides a true north, an anchor, a spiritual foundation helps you find your leadership/moral compass

Reading List: Eyewitness to Power- David Gergen

Leveraging Your Past - Wess Stafford

Leveraging Your Past - Wess Stafford

How do we leverage pain for ministry?

Wess shared his story of pain and abuse as a child in Africa. Others who experienced this kind of pain fall and dont get up. God used this, through Wess' obedience to fuel him to fight for children around the world. It drives his ministry at Compassion Intl.

When Wess turned in the manuscript for his book his publisher returned it with this comment.

They wont care what you know until they know why you care.

DISCUSS: What is it that moves you, what is your cause?

No experience in your life is beyond redemption.
God will orchestrate something out of the painful things in your life if we are obedient.

When I meet my maker and he wipes the tears from my eyes, I also want him to wipe the sweat from my brow. - Wess Stafford

Reading list: too small to ignore

Aid vs. Trade- Andrew Rugasira

Aid vs. Trade
Andrew Rugasira

This session was led by Andrew Rugasira, a Ugandan businessman. He challenged the world and the church to change the conversation regarding Africa. To see the value of trade over aid. Lots of discussion surrounding this session and how the church, people individually should respond to the need there and around the world.

We need to reframe our view of third world countries.
We need to see them as consumers vs. just in need of aid.
Increasing trade, self sufficiency can minimize global poverty.

Thinking Forward Third Culture Leadership - Dave Gibbons

Thinking Forward, Third Culture Leadership
Dave Gibbons

The two greatest commandments are Love God, love your neighbor.
How are we doing?

Who is your neighbor? We tend to define it as someone like me. But today- neighbor is being redefined.

Hard to find a concise definition of third culture, but the next generation is increasingly being described this way. Found this... "refers to someone who, as a child, has spent a significant period of time in one or more culture(s) other than his or her own, thus integrating elements of those cultures and their own birth culture, into a third culture". So if you think about the changes in the world during our lifetime, the way that communication/technology has changed our world- the adults in our world are living with third culture kids.
How should this be affecting our churches?

Third culture leadership requires adaptation
- Focus on the fringe, misfit over masses
- Failure is success to God, failure gives you the voice to connect to this generation, weakness can guide you, we MUST add our stories to our passions, spiritual gifts, competencies.
- Relationships trump vision.
- No relationship with God, means no vision for your church/ministry

We need more relationaries than visionaries. – Dave Gibbons

DISCUSS a priority shift: 70% leadership development and equipping and 30% weekend service prep

DISCUSS how the medici effect could affect ministry

Obedience to God is more important than our passion. Wrestle with these commands...
- Deeper collaboration in our church, our community
- Acts 2 Communal living
- Prayer- do we really believe in the power of the Holy Spirit
- Radical sacrifice for the outsider

Leadership Summit 09 - Day Two

Friday morning we were asked to stand if we had attended ten leadership summits or more.
I stood.
With Honduras last November (9) I think this was 10 for me.
I’m a Summit groupie.
Not because it’s perfect but because I absolutely believe in leadership development, in the value of learning from other leaders, sharpening your skills, developing your gift.
The Summit does this for me.

I was challenged this year that I dont do enough of this throughout the year on my own, so i've created a reading list from this years faculty that I'll be listening to when i drive to/from work.

Against All Odds- Harvey Carey

Against All Odds
Harvey Carey

Am I doing enough?
Do I believe that God’s work is true?
The role of leaders is to equip
Members must take ownership of the work – must be genuinely engaged in the work

We must stop huddling on Sunday morning but never playing the game

Sunday morning is when we equip AND GIVE OPPORTUNITY TO DO, the things we learn we actually do.
Is it possible that we have a paralysis of analysis, that we think too much and not do enough?

DISCUSS: What has God called you to do? What is your dream?

A Leadership Case Study: Jessica Jackley and the KIVA Story

A Leadership Case Study: Jessica Jackley and the KIVA Story
Jessica Jackley (Interview with Jim Mellado)

- We believe in the value of co creation, informational diversity.
- “Is herding cats a bad thing?”
- We say no to things against our mission even if they seem good.
- Great poets don’t show, they tell.
- “ I hope that fear doesn’t prevent us from staying nimble”
- Don’t be afraid to start small, to focus and serve one community very well
- A dream team includes vets and younger people. Vets should allow the younger people to name the challenges and even more, define the solutions.

These interviews with people who are doing it, have become a highlight for me each year. Absolutely loved Jessica's enthusiasm, focus, and what she and her team are doing. Here's a clip about KIVA in case you dont know about them.

Leading People to the Prodigal God - Tim Keller

Leading People to the Prodigal God
Tim Keller

Is your church known for their compassion in their community?
The church today is full of spiritual deadness, a lack of spiritual vitality.

This is one of those sessions where something you've always heard, takes on new meaning and life. It added a new term and understanding to our tribal language. The "elder brother" I can't begin to do it justice trying to unpack it here, but highly recommend that you read the book or get introduced to the dialogue here.

Reading List: The Prodigal God- Tim Keller

Manage Differently Now - Gary Hamel

Is the church changing as fast as the world around us?

How do we become the enemy of entropy?
1- Overcome the temptation to take refuge in denial. Face the facts. The future generally isn’t unknown as much as it is distasteful. Question your beliefs/practices about how we do church. Listen to the renegades to positive deviants.
2- Cultivate new thinking- generate more strategic options, new ideas. “The job of every leader is to make change look more exciting than status quo.” DISCUSS: What should we do next as a team? How can we increase our impact?
3- Deconstruct what we already do.

DISCUSS: What are our orthodoxies as a church? What are my personal leadership ones? Look at what we do which hasn’t changed in 3-5 years. Is it commanded by God? Do we do it because we’ve decided it’s the right/best thing to do? Ideas, i.e. open source the sermon in advance, include more discussion vs. lecture in a message.

“The longer you are in the trench, the more you can mistake the edge of your rut for the horizon.”

The mental model depreciates faster than the authority to change things. This can hold institutes ability to change hostage to their own desire NOT to change. WE must build organizations which can thrive without superhumans at the top, a culture where we innovate all the time, not fight bureaucracy all the time.

Consider GOREtex. Anyone can say no to any request at any time. At the end of the year each person is reviewed by a large number of fellow employees regarding how much value they have added to the team this year. Less envision, plan, control, more mobilization connect, support. Some companies today have online public, rate your boss, your bosses boss. In this new world authority comes from value added rather than a natural hierarchy of leadership.

“Most the facebook generation don’t want to work at a fortune 500 company or worship in a church that feels like one.”

“The problem with organized religion in most cases is the organization, not the religion.” Book: The future of management.

Reading List: The Future of Management - Gary Hamel

Hiring, Firing and Board Meltdowns

Hiring, Firing, and Board Meltdowns(videocast)
Bill Hybels, Patrick Lencioni, Henry Cloud, David Ireland, Carly Fiorina

- When hiring. Cultural fit matters. What 2-3 behavioral things are high value on your team? Be clear about competencies
- Spend extended time out of the interview environment with a candidate, take them shopping. Ask what would others say about you? Ask the same question three times over the course of an interview. Ask how do you like to be managed? How will you challenge us? How will that affect our team? Ask questions about their answers. Have substantive conversations up front about why we are hiring, what we hope to accomplish by this role. Trust the process.
- A leadership team (board) should establish their own sets of values, behaviors, covenants at a retreat setting, not in their board meetings. The ongoing meetings are for making decisions. Conclude meetings with checking in to see how the team did keeping the established guidelines they’ve agreed to. One presenter suggested that people on “the board” need to have influence, affluence and a specific skill. How does the affluence trait transfer to leadership teams vs. boards. There should be term limits to balance new life with experience and to prevent leader exhaustion.
- There’s a balance in the team around the table. The team should include all the necessary ingredients but not duplication. But, there should be some level of immunity to cover when needed if someone is “sick” or missing.
- When a team member is underperforming we should consider the following before letting them go. Retraining, Repositioning, Retiring. Consider working with an A, B, C system, this can give clarity but the grading cannot replace ongoing communication. “The kindest form of management is the truth”
- Consider having two people involved with evaluation of staff to ensure that a fuller picture is presented to the person.

Leading in a New Reality- Bill Hybels

Think about the challenge you face as an external environment you’re leading in. The challenge is external to your internal reality. - Jim's opening

Leading In a New Reality
Bill Hybels
- Dispassionate decision making. There’s a good goal
- Storms require constant action
- How can we be MORE of the church to one another during a storm?
- On Sunday, minister to people before they leave again to face their challenges. Our services should be “all killer, no filler”
- Wise financial management in the church IS critical- when storms (rogue waves) hit, cash reserves give leaders what they need, which is time.

DISCUSS: Rate existing activities and ministry programs in A, B, & C buckets. C = what would we stop doing first. A= what would we NEVER stop doing.

- In a financial downturn people ARE hungry to hear about God’s way of money management. Is Sunset doing enough?
- Do I believe that God is capable of doing great things in our day. Hab 3:2

How did God do great things in history?
People totally yielded to Him; Are we attracting them, hiring them, creating an environment where they thrive? Mentoring them to their full potential, are we having honest conversations with those on our team who are less than totally yielded.

DISCUSS: How many critical seats are there on our team? How many of those seats are filled with the right people who are fired up and gifted. What is our plan for filling other seats. Are we developing a back up for each seat. Do this exercise on your team every six months.

- How am I doing personally? Is my life sustainable? Do I have an adequate replenishment strategy? Romans 8:6. Would I describe my life as full of life and peace?

DISCUSS: How full is your bucket? What fills it? What drains it? Good self leadership means reinventing adequate replenishment strategies for new realities.

The best thing I bring to ministry leadership is a full bucket, full of optimism in God.

Leadership Summit 09

The past two days I attended the Leadership Summit. Most of you know that this event has been formative in my ministry life and that I look forward to it every year. This year our church decided not to be a host site for the Summit. This was deeply disappointing to me originally but we worked through it and some other possibilities came my way, which couldn't have happened if I was producing it on site.

Originally i had planned to travel to Chicago for the week of the Summit, to be in the room, part of the Global Summit meetings and to meet with the team from Belgium where I will serve this fall, but after some thought and prayer I decided instead to stay home with our team and to attend at the Portland site, East Hill, in Gresham.

There were definitely a couple of moments where I wished I was "in the room" in Chicago- the opening, during Wess Stafford's talk... but overall I believe I made the best choice, to stay home- to attend with our team and hopefully move forward in to the next season of ministry together with this shared challenge and experience.

I have little/no idea how to put my thoughts/learnings together but will post them here in case any of you are interested.
You CAN purchase your own copy of the Team Edition of the Summit DVDS here. Before ordering check with your church- you may be a WCA church and can receive the discount.