Kaleidoscope: finding beauty in the broken

Molly's Mission Encounter - Week 9- Preparing to Come Home

2011-08-06T09:11:00.000-07:00

This week, as Molly prepares to return to Portland, we share part two of what Molly wants you to know about her Discipleship Encounter. In her own words...

What did you learn about yourself?I would say the biggest transformation in me being here was the spiritual growth I gained. Rather than Christ just being a belief I had, I have gained the relationship that God wants with me and with all of us. Praise God for that :)
Also I have learned that I want to be a teacher for young children, pre-school or kindergarten. I don't know which, but I do know that I want to teach young children and I would like for ministry to be involved in that. I'm still seeing where God will take me with that. I am interested in doing missions after I complete my schooling but I am not sure where God will take me at this point, whether it will be in the States or a foreign country.
I have also learned how difficult it would be for me to do missions alone so I pray that if missions is my calling, God has a hubby for me wanting to be a part of that too. I really don't know if I could do it alone. I feel like I especially was made to have a family so I hope God will provide that for me.
This verse has really inspired about wanting to teach young children and the fun in that. Singing songs, making crafts, etc.

Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. Colossions 3:16

What do you think you will you miss about your life on the island? I've truly been blessed by the relationships I've made here over.I didn't expect to "groove" as well as I have with Team Helene. They were so welcoming to me upon my arrival and invited me into their away-from-home family so quickly. June 2011 Molly arriving in Roatan for the beginning of her Mission Encounter
I'm going to miss each missionary here in different ways. The relationships I have built with them will be something I remember and miss the most.
Also the relationships I've built with the islanders here on Helene. I mean they're the reason I keep coming back! I get so cheesy and giddy thinking about them haha.
As the islanders huddled around the dock saying goodybe to the Outer Banks short term team, I was so grateful to be standing with the islanders and not being the one leaving and saying goodbye. I know my time to leave is coming and I'm preparing my heart for it. I have met so many amazing men and women here and they have helped me to grow just by hearing about their lives and being around them.
And no surprise, the children of Helene have such a great place in my heart. I have been so blessed to have been given the opportunity to build relationships with these children over the past three years of coming and going to this beautiful island. Saying goodbye to them this time will be the hardest one of all. I will forever remember these kids and how they impacted my life. Helene really has made a mark on my heart over the past three years, and especially these 10 weeks. I will always remember this place and how it has shaped me into who I am. I want to thank everyone who supported me on this trip. God truly is at work on this tiny island off of the coast of Honduras.

Prayer request: Molly saying goodbye. Leaving the island is always an emotion filled moment, many of you who are reading this already know what I mean. Please pray that in the tenderness of that moment God will do mighty work in confirming the growth that Molly has achieved these past ten weeks. And that she will feel comfort that night alone in the hotel and on the trip home.

She leaves Helene Aug 12th and will spend the night in Roatan then fly Saturday from Roatan to Houston (a short layover) to Portland. Her Continental flight arrives at 11pm

Thanks all for your love and support of her personally. Molly and Janet

Molly's Mission Encounter Week 8

2011-08-01T20:53:00.000-07:00

This week Molly and I emailed about what we would want her friends and family who've supported her to know. I asked her some questions and this week and next week we'll share her answers, in her own words.

Was the trip what you expected?
It really kind of was what I expected. I didn't expect to be reading as much as they had assigned but I gained a lot from every book that I read while here. I will have read 10 books over the 10 weeks. Half assigned, half pleasure reading. Never could say that back in middle school-high school. When I'd return to school in September and my teacher would ask how much we all read over the summer, my answer I'm sure was always zero hahah.
My day to day activities were pretty much what I expected. Morning devotions, and then getting ready for the day, such as reading, bible studies and then getting ready for school. Lunch at 12ish and then meeting with the teachers at 1 and school from 130-5. After school relaxing before dinner or cooking dinner (I cooked monday nights). Dinner is at 6. Dinner and dishes usually ends at around seven and then we either part our separate ways or play a game or watch a movie.
The only time my expectations weren't the same as what I had planned was my ability to be out in the community. Sometimes it really felt like I was princess Jasmine locked away. I didn't have as much interaction outside of the clinic with the people of Helene as I would have liked to.

What are some things you’ve learned about being a missionary?
I've learned the positive and challenging aspects of short term missions. How they affect a full time staff and the locals. Short term teams come ready to give all they can because they are only here for a week and are prepared to do that. Which is great, but that’s not realistic when you live somewhere on an ongoing basis. It’s challenging. Sometimes the locals misunderstand the real commitment long term missionaries have made to them. I've gained a lot of respect for the people that do full time missions and what a commitment that is. Their obedience to God's call is something really amazing to witness. Giving up family, friends, lifestyle, your cultural beliefs and thinking and jumping into a whole new way of living is not an easy thing to do and it's amazing how many people do it to share the gospel.

This week MEI shared a link of Molly where we got to hear her voice and see her face. You can see the clip here. The clip was recorded early in her Discipleship Encounter.

Prayer requests:

The team at MEI, our friends serving long term in Helene. That God would direct and provide for their ongoing ministry to the people of the island. And to the native islanders that they would grow in their knowledge of God and His grace and share that with their friends and family.

Molly's eye- healing; it's still pink and hurts. She has a Dr appointment scheduled right away when she gets back. And for her last two weeks on the island. She leaves Helene on August 12th, is in Roatan overnight and then arrives home late Saturday night Aug 13th.

Molly's Mission Encounter Week 7

2011-07-26T06:29:00.000-07:00

Mission Encounter Summer 2011 Honduras staff
This week Molly and the Helene team hosted a team from the Outerbanks. The team went to work rebuilding the mission directors house which was lost in a Christmas fire and doing medical work on the island. The med team did visitations around the island communities and staffed the clinic with medical and dental care. Molly tagged along on the medical visitations. She got a little more than she bargained for in one visit to a 16 year old boys home. He was recuperating from an appendectomy and they checked and dressed his incision and long story short, a career in medicine is not in her future.
It was an interesting experience for Molly to be part of hosting a large short-term team, that wasn’t from her home church. It was interesting for her to see and process different personalities and how they adjust to life on the island and a different way of doing things. One of the hard things to learn when you visit another place is that the American way of doing things just isn’t the only way to do things. It’s been interesting hearing her learn the wisdom of some of what feels like restriction when you are on a short term team.

“Today it hit me hard that I have only three weeks here. Seeing the Outerbanks team Friday I was really grateful that it wasn’t me leaving and that I wasn’t having to say goodbye.”

She has three more weeks on the island. This week is fairly normal, study, working in the school and at the clinic. Next week a small short term team, and the following week she will be finishing up there.
This week a bit of our communication centered around Molly’s clinic family. She’s been living with the team which range from 3 to 6 people when short term teams are not visiting. This has been a great learning experience for her. She’s had to be open to doing life with strangers and build relationships quickly. I’ve watched her ramp up her natural ability in authentic communication while continuing to develop listening well, responding and pursuing relationship even where there is some conflict. They share a house and a community that wants something from them. They have to depend on one another for a lot. And, there’s no taking a walk or hopping in your car for a drive on a challenging day, they are knee deep in life with one another. In the past it was easy for me to imagine life in the clinic as a sort of haven, but having Molly there I have a greater appreciation for just the basics like living together that missionaries everywhere have to deal with daily. I know she has grown to love and appreciate the clinic family and we are grateful for their care of her.
Prayer requests:
Healing for her eye- even with oral antibiotics and eye drops she still is dealing with what we think is pink eye.
Clinic Family- Praise for the work that was done on rebuilding Larry & Sheila’s home, for their personal relationships and that God would grow each of them into who He wants them to be, as a result of being part of this experience. That Molly would minister to them these next three weeks.

Molly's Mission Encounter Week 6

2011-07-15T07:58:00.001-07:00

file photo of the school from the Mission Encounters facebook page
Helene Christian English School (HCES) is in its eighth year serving the children and families of the small southern Caribbean island of Santa Elena! This year we have 89 students enrolled in pre-kindergarten through sixth grades who are taught by five islander teachers, two islander teacher assistants, and two American missionary teachers (Dominic and Miss Sheila). The school is in its third year under the governance of an islander school board and its second year with an islander director.

I've been working in Sheila's class, 4th, 5th &6th grade girls, they're quite the handful. I love it because I assist and work with kids 1 on 1 when they aren't understanding something but oooh I feel bad for Sheila somedays. The girls take no mercy on her.

Molly's been enjoying working in the Helene Christian School.

This week a short term team from the Outerbanks of North Carolina will be at the clinic. They are expecting 22 people, mostly adults, and many of them with a medical background. On Sunday they will be doing a CPR/first aid training class at the clinic for clinic staff and some islanders. Molly's excited about this because the young island boy who tended to Abby's wound in June will be taking the class. We are so grateful for his care of Abby and that he will get some training to continue to develop his skills so that he can care for others on the island.

She passed the halfway point last week and I've been happy to see her balancing a healthy desire to come home with a genuine understanding and appreciation for the very special opportunities she has in Helene each day. A good lesson for each of us.

Prayer requests:
Health- Molly's been sick this week, they were considering taking her down island to the Gringo clinic, but I think she is improving. She and Miss Sheila are fighting an eye infection of some sort though. (Praise! the med team is on the way!)

The outerbanks short term team- that their lives will be impacted as they serve the people of the island.

Rayme, the young island boy- That he will continue to learn and be a positive impact on the island and the people of his community.

Though I am writing the blog posts for her, she can read your comments here or on the facebook page, so feel free to leave her a note. Thanks again for your love and prayers, Molly and Janet

Molly's Mission Encounter- Week 4/5

2011-07-09T09:53:00.000-07:00

Molly & Abby Fraser with Andreas photo June 2011
This week marks the half way point for Molly. She loved having her home church team and her sister, on the island for ten days. It was an eventful time and Sunset's youth pastor, Mike Giering, reported this week at staff prayer that he believed it was a very impactful trip, so we're excited the role that Molly with the Helene team played. After three trips on the "short termer" side of things being a clinic staffer was certainly a different experience.
Since the team left, she's settling back in to her routine there. Mornings consist of team devotions and more study. Afternoons she spends time with the kids who are gathering before they attend the Helene Christian English School that MEI has developed on the island. And, she was "finally" assigned to work at the school. The students were to be taking exams so she was planning to monitor the classroom. I know she was very excited to be in the classroom.
During her time there she has decided that she wants to come home and pursue becoming certified to teach either pre-school or kindergarten. At this point she is undecided about whether she wants to teach in the states or in a foreign country, but she is feeling led to pursue teaching as a ministry/career. She also is busy as a part of the clinic staff team, preparing for guests, hosting them and cleaning up after them. This is a very practical part of mission life.

She spent last weekend in Roatan while Mike and I were in New York City visiting her brother, Chris. Roatan means warm showers that dont require a one handed pull and air conditioning, a nice break from clinic life.
In one of our email exchanges after we both arrived "home" from our weekends I shared with her one of my experiences in New York. While visiting St Paul's Chapel I saw an image of the chapel two blocks from the 9/11 site with the flames and ash of the buildings burning in the background of the steeple. I had really been impacted by the way that God stands even in chaos. And that as a result, the church, God's people, can and should also be a refuge, in a time of fear and loss of hope. Molly carried that conversation into a devotion she led later that night, sharing with guests at the clinic. She talked about how giving in to fear is doing wrong by God and centered on this text.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. Psalm 46:1-6.

We continue to be grateful for the love and care that you all have shown Molly and our family during this experience. One of her emails this week said this...

"I love all the growth im experiencing here and do enjoy living here but I also cannot wait to get home to you guys. I just REALLY miss all of you guys."

Prayer Requests:
-- Continued growth and health for Molly and the clinic staff.
-- Direction regarding pursuing her new ministry/career goal as an early childhood teacher.
-- That Molly's last five weeks on the island, she could "be love" to all those she comes in contact with.

And a PS just for fun.
June 28th was Molly's 20th birthday. We thought this would be a tough day for her, as Abby and the Sunset team had just left and she was away from friends/family on her birthday for the first time. Some of us put together a video to wish her a Happy Birthday. Fortunately she found a laptop at the clinic that she could watch the dvd on and she seemed happy with the simple things we were able to do at this distance.

Molly's Mission Encounter in Helene- Week 3

2011-06-25T14:39:00.000-07:00

photo from March 2011
An email from Molly yesterday ended with “what a day.” As I thought about writing her update for the week… I couldn’t help but think… “what a week.”
For as long as we’ve known that Molly would be traveling to Honduras for her Mission Encounter, we have taken comfort and been excited that her sister Abby and a team from our home church, Sunset, would be traveling there week three of her ten week stint.
This reality eased some of our apprehension about Molly's trip, and honestly last Sat at 4am as we were gathering at PDX saying goodbye to Abby I had not one fear or concern for the trip. This was the 9th time afterall, that a Fraser had a ticket to Helene. We know the route, the challenges, the people and that parameters. We were all very excited and good to go, I didn’t even cry at the airport, which is a first.
We’ve predictably heard less from her this week, because there’s SO much to do when a team is at the clinic. But, it is also true to say that the communication we have received has been full of twists and turns for our girls; stormy seas, illness, sleepless nights processing troubling news, relational dynamics, potential physical danger culminating in a pretty scary injury yesterday for Abby and a scorpion crawling on Molly’s leg as she was sitting with her in the clinic. What a week. Not the one we had planned.
So, I don’t have much to share from Molly today, but if you will indulge me, I will share a little of how I have been experiencing God this week. First, it’s got me thinking about how we plan things, how we look forward to these things because we imagine we somehow know what the next moment will bring. When in reality, we don’t really have a clue. But, I also have been reminded this week that it is generally in the unplanned that God reveals Himself more to me than on the days that I orchestrate. Because then I’m not so distracted by how wonderful the world I have created is… and I am focused on Him and how all I have is my faith in His love and character.
It’s also been very interesting to process this at a distance. I cannot step in to a tough conversation for them, I cannot protect them from danger or calm their fears by being near, nor can I carry a bleeding child from the boat to the clinic. But, I do know that both they and I have experienced true biblical community this week and that more importantly without a shadow of a doubt that God is very present both there with my girls and with the team and here at home. My God was a very big God this week. He was Father, Wisdom, Physician, Healer, Comforter, Protector, more than Worthy of My Praise. He was ENOUGH.

Prayer requests:
- The Sunset team leaves the island on Sunday. This will be a sad day for Molly and a day of real realization that she will be there seven more weeks. She and I know she is growing there, and so please pray that she will fully experience what God has in mind for the rest of her time there.
- Travel for the Sunset team. Sunday by boat from Helene to Roatan, then Monday by plane Roatan to Houston, to Portland arriving at PDX at 11pm.
- Molly’s 20th birthday is June 28th. She is on facebook off and on so you can post something to her or my wall or reply to this email and I’ll make sure she gets it on Tuesday.

Molly's Mission Encounter in Helene - Week 2

2011-06-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

We were excited to get a picture of Molly in action at the clinic!

This week the English School at the clinic was closed so Molly spent most of the week studying, playing with the children and cleaning and preparing the clinic for the arrival of a short term team on Saturday.

She's watching "The Truth Project" series. This study is the starting point for looking at life from a biblical perspective. Each lesson discusses in great detail the relevance and importance of living the Christian worldview in daily life. In addition she has begun to work through Experiencing God with the clinic team.

Molly got to use some of her artistic ability this week, working on signs. The first one was the somewhat notorious "Welcome Sunset" banner that she's seen hanging on the clinic balcony the last three trips there. Then, Teddy, one of the island pastors asked her to make a sign for the Northside Church Revival that will be happening this week.

The short term team arriving soon is from our home church. A group of 12 students and 3 adult leaders who left Portland at 6am this morning. Molly is VERY excited for her sister to arrive. I think she's mentioned it in every correspondence this week. They will be on the island for ten days.

Prayer requests:
Praise- Molly is getting along great with Larry and Sheila Benson, the Missions directors.
Praise- Molly and Abby's relationship and the opportunity for them to be on the island together during Molly's internship.
Request- The Sunset team - safety, that each person will serve with energy, enthusiasm and love, the transition from life in Beaverton to island life, and for our dear friends, Traci, Mike and Rose- the adult leaders.
Request- Our island friend Elsa's son Esly was not feeling well and had to return to the hospital this week. You can read more of Esly's story here:
Request- Molly is already thinking about the day the Sunset team and Abby leave the island. She will remain there for six weeks after.

a late Saturday update is that they have decided to stay in Roatan overnight, due to tough seas which are making the boat ride impossible tonight. They plan to leave early and be on Helene by 8am.
So one more prayer request- physical safety for Molly and Sheila. I imagine that Larry is stuck down island and the ladies are alone in the clinic. I know our island friends will be aware and watching over them, but this has this Mom on her knees tonight.

Thanks friends, Molly and Janet

Molly's Mission Encounter in Helene - Week 1 update

2011-06-11T19:10:00.000-07:00

photo from March 2011
Molly’s first week has focused on reading. She has 6 books assigned during her discipleship encounter. She finished the “5 Dysfunctions of a Team” and is now working through the workbook. (I love this book!). She is also reading “Cross-Cultural Connections”, the clinic team will be going through "Experiencing God" together and she finished “Who Moved my Cheese.” This was her synopsis.

“What I got out of the book is not to be afraid to move forward and just to trust. Which I think I’m doing. Me coming here was me letting go and trusting. Moving towards new cheese.”

In addition to reading, she is working whever she can to help. One day she worked on the generator and yesterday a Honduran doctor came to the clinic with 25 staff memebers to hand out medicine and give shots etc. So, she did a lot of dishes and she said she “played about 7 hours of Uno and dominos with the children.” One of her ongoing “jobs” is to play with the kids as they gather for the English School at the clinic. She hasn’t worked in the school yet because week one was about her experiencing different areas of mission life there, and there’s no school next week.

There are only 4 people living at the clinic, and one of them, Dominic just left for 10 days to go celebrate his parents 50th wedding anniversary. So, Sheila and Larry will be moving in to the clinic to sleep so that she isn’t alone at night. She and I are both looking forward to the team from Sunset arriving so she will have more company in the clinic. She learned that there will be two teams on the island while she is there and that another intern, Ashley, who we met in March will be returning in July to live at the clinic. The clinic employees a counselor stateside who she skyped with several time before traveling to Helene, and they check in weekly to see how she is acclimating.

I believe they rotate responsibility for cooking dinner. One night she shared that what they prepared they had cucumber and tomatoes in vinegar and sugar with brauts and fried rice. Sounds good, but it’s heavier than what she normally eats at home and she's thankful we packed gluten-free food for breakfast and lunch- and her packing list for Abby says her favorite thing we packed was the dried mangos- which is funny because the best fresh mangos we’ve ever had are on the trees there. But, the people on the island depend on the natural vegetation for their meals, so they cannot be gathered for clinic food.

Molly wrote that she is thinking and talking with the Missions Director, Larry, about her future plans. What she is hoping to get out of this encounter is to see if she wants to pursue missions through YWAM or if she would like to pursue working with children at home. She is interested in finding out more about what it would take to become a pre-school teacher because it seems to be her favorite age. The kids, for the most part, are eager to learn and the work and singing songs, and doing crafts, all of that is fun.

Monday morning devotionals consist of praying outloud for 30 minutes. She mentioned she prayed specifically for our friend Mitch Franklin, who has been very sick with intestinal trouble.
Our prayer requests for her this week are:
- Only three people at the clinic. Relationship building between Molly, Larry and Sheila and safety for them.
- Her future decisions. YWAM or pursuing a career at home/school.
-Travel for the Sunset team who leave on the 18th; Abby is traveling and I know it will be nice for Molly to see her and other friends.

Molly's next adventure

2011-06-04T08:21:00.000-07:00

This morning we took Molly to the airport and she is now in the air. She has an hour layover in Houston and then will arrive in Roatan, Honduras at 2:46pm. (12:46 Portland Time). It's hard to believe how quickly you can be a world away.

Molly will be doing a ten week Discipleship Encounter, aka a Missions boot camp, in Helene serving with MEI, at the clinic and in the Christian School. It is a remote island with few services. She will likely have access to email only once a week so we dont expect that she will be able to blog, but I will try to pass on updates as we hear from her.

This is Molly's 4th trip to the island and her sister Abby and I have been twice, as well. In fact, Abby will travel to Helene on a short-term trip in two weeks, to serve, and to take whatever we forgot to pack, to Molly. Very convenient.

Our family wants to thank all of you who have supported her trip by giving and praying and encouraging her this past few months. We hope you will continue to be part of her trip by praying for her while she is away and we look forward to having a celebration with many of you when she gets home this summer.

Our current prayer requests:

Travel- safety and the short layover in Houston. Portland to Houston to Roatan by plane. Then travel by small boat 30+minutes to the island of Helene. If her luggage doesn't make it to Roatan there is no parcel delivery service to remote jungle islands. :)

Health- Molly was sick Monday and Tuesday and recently Molly has discovered she is gluten intolerant. This will make eating a challenge. We packed a suitcase full of gluten free food, which actually weighed more than her clothing suitcase. She manages this well, but she misses bagels and the idea of saying no to fritters on the island is hard.

Community- This is the first time Molly will be without family or life long friends. Our greatest concern is loneliness, so I'm praying that she will know God in a new way and develop relationships with the team she is serving with.

With our love, Molly and Mama

A New Chapter

2011-03-16T20:46:00.000-07:00

This blog was originally written Friday, Mar 4th but I postponed publishing it until the official announcement regarding a change in my job responsibilities was made today.
Today i said, “i have to blog this.”
I haven’t said that in a long time. You see, for the past five or so months our church (where I work) has been in a leadership crises. Our Senior Pastor and our Session came to an impasse and dissolved their relationship. After some mediation he resigned followed by the Session resigning.
I love Pastor Ron. I grew up working under his leadership because he challenged me and I believe because he prayed for me. I hope he still does. And, I believe in the biblical authority of Godly church leadership, in our case, an elder board. So, for me, this has been a very challenging season of ministry. But I learned a lot.

I learned that peoples reaction are really about way more than this situation. We bring our own wounds into our reactions to stress and change.

I learned that people who don’t trust one another misunderstand even simple things

I learned that seemingly conflicting emotions/thoughts can coexist. I can love and respect and appreciate you and believe that it’s time for you to submit, even if that means moving and even if I wish none of this was happening.

And I learned the value of silence. I quickly decided I was going to be quiet. I was going to pray and strive for unity and to be part of a team who created services which could be a sanctuary for our congregation. I felt peace about being quiet, maybe for the first time. You see, I am a lover AND a fighter.

In the aftermath of all of this, our church announced significant lay-offs and staff reductions. And today, 48 hours after the layoffs were announced I said, “I have to blog this.” Because if you look at the decision and how it will affect me you might mistakenly think that it was a bad decision. But, in this case, I want to share with you how I see the fingerprints of God all over this transition.
Here is my side of my story.
We have known there would be layoffs for months. Literally months. And as things got closer I had a strong feeling that it would be one of the 3 full time members of my ministry team. I didn’t feel like it was going to be me, though I know that was an option and discussed several times, as it should have been. So, that left me time to think about how I felt about either of the other two leaving.
Bill Hybels, in a leadership summit talk years ago outlined a process for making big decisions. One point was to make a private test decision and not to share it with anyone, but to imagine it had happened and see if it brought you peace. So, I did that. And, as I imagined myself saying to anyone “yes, I think it was the right decision that I stayed and (insert name) left” I wanted to vomit. I was not at peace.
But what could I do? I was not in the decision making drivers seat. So what is a girl to do? Well, if I am honest, being the take life in to my own hands person that I am, I strongly considered quitting so that they could both stay. And then I was reminded who holds my future. Insert the cheesy 70’s praise chorus “Because He Lives” here.
I decided to trust God for my future at a church I love, in the best job I have ever had. And, when I had the opportunity to speak in to the value of my teammates I took it. Because no one knows better than I what their value is, how they live authentic Christ following lives, how they love our church and how their particular strengths and gifting are needed for such a time as this in the life of that church.
There were definitely times when I wondered what would happen to me. In fact God and I did a lot of talking about that, especially on the day the final staffing cuts were being decided.
A few times in my life I have felt a very strong prompting, the voice of God and this situation was one of those. I felt Him telling me I was not to accept an offer unless it was something I felt called to do. Well, i looked around and no one was offering me anything. So then I began to fret about what i would be offered, and having to say no and what would come next… for instance how it would go when I came home and told Michael, “well, God told me it wasn’t the right offer.”
Within a couple hours, I was told there was an outside chance that I could be offered a different role on our staff.
Can’t make this stuff up.
As the details unfolded I felt dizzy.
The ONLY staff role I would leave my current job for, was being described in great detail for me. It would be challenging and mean changing my focus from some things and a lot of people that I love. But this new offer, this role is in my DNA. I thought it had to be a joke. Like Jay had finally begun to record a reality show at work and the joke was on me. Then I realized what was happening. This was God saying, “I hold your future.” So I agreed to the idea and waited to hear the outcome.
Pathetically, not minutes after this God moment I began to doubt... doubt I had heard the prompting, and was afraid to hope for my future at Sunset. How very human of me. How quickly we become stupid like those who actually physically walked with Christ then doubted His existence.
Days later, as I’m celebrating my eleventh anniversary on staff the day of staff layoffs it was announced that this new role was the official decision. Are you kidding me?
The result is that I am transitioning to a new role on our ministry staff. And, I couldn’t be more exited or stressed out. The road there is going to be chaotic. But I love managing change and chaos.
Brass tax, the transition time means giving up 25 hours of the job i currently do. It means resourcing another team for another ten or so and then it means creating a new role, a new way of doing things, a new adventure.
And, it means I will be home on Thursday nights for the first time in 17 years. I’ve never seen a Seinfeld or a Friends episode on Thursday night. It means that my “producer” t-shirt will only refer to my role as mother and if He and Willow see fit, the best volunteer gig I've ever had, working for the Global Leadership Summit. And it means that I will attend church, more often than not, like a normal person. Whatever that is.
It also means that I am looking for and noticing, even in the past two days, how God has been present and paving the way to this day.
Present, in the fact that one facet of my new role landed me in a room talking with two women who would have been strangers to me two months ago. But, today both these women are friends. You see, God knew it was time for our relationship to bloom months ago so that we would have a foundation of trust to begin a new season from. A season where the only common ground we share is a passion for ministry and general sense that what I’m doing doesn’t make sense to any of us, yet.
Present, in the scheduling of the worship team this weekend, the next to last that I will serve in my role as a Weekend Service Producer at Sunset. Because, two of the three people who invited me in to this adventure, into my first service planning meeting, were in the room when we announced my role change tonight during devos.
Present, and paving a road for me that I couldn’t have created for myself. I don’t remember feeling more like I have no idea what I’m doing while also feeling more in the center of God’s will. And then I remember the lesson that seemingly conflicting emotions/thoughts can coexist.

I was two weeks old

2010-12-17T15:12:00.000-08:00

This morning I had the opportunity to take pictures at a very special event. My friends, the VanderGeissen's, finalized the adoption of their baby, Maleah. It was a sweet and special event to be a part of and, it wasn't until i left the building that the significance of what i had experienced, flowed out of me in tears.

You see, the last time I was at an adoption ceremony, it was my own. Forty-five years ago, I was adopted from an agency in Santa Barbara, California. My parents had also given a home to my brothers, six and eight years older than I and then they decided they wanted a girl.
I was two weeks old when they came for me. My dad used to say that I was talking the first time he saw me. I've always wished there was some way to play back the movie and see THAT moment.

I grew up with adoption being my normal. I joined my older brothers in a safe and stable home and extended family. My parents loved God, each other and us. There was never any doubt.

And, probably, as a result, I've never really had an itch to pursue the identity of my birth parents. More recently I have thought about doing it, to say thank you. In the best case scenario, I would have the chance to let some man or woman know, that I was grateful for the choice they made. Forever grateful.

Now, I have had the opportunity to watch this whole story unfold from an entirely different perspective. I've watched Clint and Laura and their three boys wish for their girl, then find her, then the first picture we had of her, then they went across the world to get her and then I was blessed to be at the airport when they landed and today to see them sign papers in front of the judge.

From the outside you might notice she is different from them. There were certainly times growing up when I felt different from my family.
I've also had the opportunity through my friendship with Laura to know a little of how their family has changed as a result of her joining them. I dont know that I'd ever thought of this aspect of my own adoption until today.
But, she fits and belongs, she is loved and appreciated as she is, and she is blessed. As am I.

On my way home, I couldn't get this Scripture out of my head.

How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He's the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son. Ephesians 1:5

Sisterhood

2010-08-18T20:13:00.001-07:00

My world has always been a man’s world. First, I had brothers. And then, if you asked me to name my closest friends in high school- i would say Debbie and… Shawn, Richard, Mike, Billy, Paul… college- pretty much the same. Most my ministry partners have been male and the team I serve with is 90% male.
Not that long ago I took inventory of my relationships. I realized that i was hiding behind “the girl next door” gig and that if I was honest, I had to admit I was…afraid of women. You see, men are… simple, straightforward, in some cases flattering and in most cases, dare I say it, low – maintenance. Women, on the other hand required things of me. My time, my story, my energy, my truth and maybe a casserole or yard work after a crises. Scary.
At that time, I felt like I had hit a wall in terms of my relational and in some ways, spiritual growth and I felt like God was whispering to me that it was time to take the risk of deep and meaningful relationships with women, rather than hiding out in the guys locker room, so to speak. 
Initially, I tried doing this on my own, picking friends, people I, for one reason or another, wanted to be friends with. For the most part, this didn’t work out. People moved on or away, life was busy, opportunities were hit and miss, and in one case, I broke trust with a friend and in the end I think that cost me the relationship. My plans failed.
Then one day I noticed that God had placed people in my path, people I didn’t pick and who likely wouldn’t have picked me, and along the way, unlikely circumstances formed alliances. Lives woven together by (I believe) God’s hand. These relationships have challenged me, enriched me and been, outside of family, the most significant in my life. Life was good.

And then, I got a phone call from one of these friends who asked if I wanted to go to Hawaii with a group of women, for a week, nearly half of whom, I didn’t know. My “tomboy” instinct told me to run. Before this, there was no part of me that wanted to do an extended vacation with a bunch of women. But quickly I realized this was an opportunity and a risk I needed to take. Oh, and it was Hawaii after all- and I'm not a total idiot.
So last week, for the first time in my life I spent 7 days with 5 women. That’s a lot of fruit and lip gloss, loads of pictures and laughter and a little wine and talk of irregularity and a few tears. And, quite honestly, it was one of the most real, tender, loving experiences of my life. So thank you, my Maui sisters, for being such a wonderful blessing and surprise in my life. What a privilege it has been to get to know you and to be better known by this circle of friends.

where the healing begins

2010-06-28T17:57:00.000-07:00

My job description is basically this.
Create a space where people meet God.
Tall order? BIG GOD.

Yesterdays services were such a wonderful reminder that it's not about us... it's not our church, it is His church.

Most Sundays it is hard to know what is going on in the hearts of the people in the seats. We just have to prepare well and trust God to do the rest, but this week when people moved out of their seats and took on a posture of humility before God, I came undone.

And then in the evening as I seperated the hundreds of cards our congregation had written to the family of Kyron Hormon and the principal and staff at Skyline Elementary I felt incredibly blessed to be part of this community, even when we grieve together. To see mothers and fathers reach out to one another, and step parents sharing a story others cannot, educators feeling the weight of one anothers burdens. It was really a hopeful and sacred task.

I could make a quick list of the things which didn't go right Sunday morning.
But instead, I would rather make a list of the things which did.
I got to experience excellence, beauty, caring, grace, mercy, humility, authenticity, unity, service, creativity.

To see people connecting with their God, to see healing begin. It is rewarding work and why I do what I do. Sundays.

Love on her arm

2010-06-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a first! Molly got a tattoo. She has wanted one for quite a while now and has done lots of sketching and thinking about what to get. Originally 18 sounded a ways away and it was easy to put off thinking about it being a reality. Then she turned 18 and as is her way, she was deliberate and thoughtful about her decisions. She didn't just run out to get it, she kept debating what she would get that would have the most meaning. One day she KNEW what to get. The outline of Helene and a Scripture verse that means alot to her since her trips there.

We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith.
Romans 12:6a

When I think of tattoos I think about the permanency of them and how I'm fickle.
I also admire the idea of art that tells a part of your story.
I pictured wrinkled old skin with ink- not so pretty.
And, in Molly's case, I pictured her on her wedding day in a beautiful dress and wondered about how it would fit.
But when she chose Helene I settled in to the idea. I know Molly left her mark on the children of the island and that the island left it's mark on Molly's life and ministry.

The actual process of it was very interesting to me.

This is the map Dominic drew on the whiteboard at the clinic in June 2009 - Molly's first trip to Helene. We printed this out and took it in to show to the artist we chose, Lewis Hess, at Atlas Tattoo in Portland. We chose Lew because our friend Aria had a tattoo I loved and we wanted a great artist. Molly talked with Lew about the design and placement of the tattoo, the type of font for the script, every detail. She knew what she wanted. Then Lew traced it out for her to review and they tweaked it. Originally the island was upside down and she had to tell him about how to write out a scripture reference etc. Then you try the tracing on for size and tweak again. Obviously it's important to get it right! Then it's down to business. While he was working Molly explained about the trip and the island and why it mattered to her. I even overheard her clarifying what "Spring Break in Helene" is compared to other Spring Breaks that kids her age take. :-) Molly said it didn't hurt really at all. That helped me :-) It went very quickly and then it was done. We were so excited I messed up the angle on this... but wanted to get a pic of Mo, the tattoo and Lew! Looks like he's done this picture before. So yes, a trip to the tattoo shop was a push for my "different kids, different stuff" mantra. But in the end, I love the way Molly made her decision, what she chose, that she's happy with it and that we got to share the experience with her.

it bears repeating...

2010-06-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

This is a post from Father's Day 2009 - location, Helene, Honduras.
I was reviewing these because our youngest daughter Abby is there now. It says what I would want to say about my dad in tribute to his legacy to me.

Church here, reminds me so much of my home church as a child. You are encouraged to share your testimony, a song or some Scripture during the service. Tonight Molly and I shared the following with the island and our team at the midweek service.

Hello church, I am Janet and this is my daughter Molly.
I want to thank your church and the island for our experiences here the past two weeks.
One of the things which stands out to me about our time here is that every time we asked one of our guides or an islander during visitation what we could pray for, they asked us to pray for their unsaved family members. This was the first thing they would mention consistently.

This reminded me of my father who passed away a year ago this week. Tonight Molly and I stand and share together with you as a testimony to his legacy of faith. He fought cancer for over 10 years and when his health got to the point where he had to make a decision between “quantity” of life and “quality” of life he chose quality. I believe he did this because he had lived a full life and knew that all his children and grandchildren knew God as their Savior.

I remember the conversation where we discussed this decision and I asked him maybe for just a little more “quantity” he responded immediately with laughter and then this. (molly read) "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7.

Even though he never traveled to another country to do missions work, he and my mother have faithfully supported mission work around the world and I have felt his presence here so many times on the island; in the way our worship is similar, the hummingbirds at the clinic and mostly because he was like so many of you, a man and father of faith who served and loved his God, his family, his church and community.

So I want to thank you for your hospitality and witness to us as it has been so good to be here with you all. In closing I want to share some Scripture with this church. In my quiet time on the island I have been reading Paul’s letters to the churches he loved and this one reminded me of this church, which we now love.
We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love every one of you has for each other is increasing. Therefore, among God's churches we [will] boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring.
All this is evidence that God's judgment is right, and as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering. [our] God is just: 2 Thessalonians 1:3-6a.

Two thumbs WAY up!

2010-06-19T10:14:00.001-07:00

A couple months ago I went (mostly) barefoot for a day to support "one day without shoes" Between that experience and serving in Helene last June I decided I'd see if my community of friends could DO something to help. So, we collected change for a couple of weeks. I put a cowboy boot on the edge of the platform of church and people just kept giving and giving. We even extended the donation time by a week because I kept hearing from people that they hadn't brought their change in yet.

Today I heard from Anne May who with her husband Ian and family serve at the Karibu Centre in Kenya. She took the money we collected and bought 120 pair of shoes for the kids that the centre serves. Look at all these kids and shoes!

And there was some money left over so they were able to buy baby clothes for some of the new babies too! These are the new babies including Anne's new little girl, Ameena, born while they have been serving there!
Does it get any better than this? It's quite honestly one of the best feelings I've had in a long time, to know an idea became an act of love by a community. And as if that wasn't enough... Anne shared this video!

Suburban white girl rant aka myopia?

2010-06-18T12:08:00.000-07:00

Our friends just adopted a baby from Ethiopia and when I went to the store to find something cute for Maleah... there's NOTHING but little white babies on cards and packaging for cute baby stuff. What is up with that?

Then yesterday I worked to create a media piece for Father's Day. I looked through a ton of pictures of children and here's what I found:
white kids are happy, loved and maybe pouty.
Non white kids are impoverished, sad eyed and rarely with adults.
What is up with that?

Is it a case of we take pictures of what we see?
I know there's some truth to this as I sit in my HUGE house in Beaverton, Oregon. But what if you are growing up a kid of color and this is all you see?
What if you live in the Jefferson school neighborhood and they are thinking of closing your high school because people dont want to go there?
Guess it was just a disappointing reality check for this clueless white American girl in Beaverton.
Molly and Andrea- Helene 2009

Bring Kyron Home

2010-06-18T11:49:00.001-07:00

Tuesday night we hosted a vigil for Kyron Hormon, a small boy who disappeared from his elementary school a couple weeks ago. Three high school friends of Kyron's dad pulled together a vigil of hope at our church. It was a sad and sweet night. My staff teammates were all committed to other things so the little team that pulled this together served above and beyond under really tough circumstances and with little or no time to prepare. I was so proud of every one of them.

It was a surreal experience to be involved to some degree on this side of the lens. Protecting a family from people doing their job. Navigating speaking truth or saying "no" to a CBS reporter in a professional way when Mike and I have been following the story, on the other side of the lens daily. The courageous family did come to our church for the vigil and came out of the green room to join us for the vigil.

I love our church on Sundays, but it was such a sweet sweet night to feel like we were being the church more than doing church. I sat with three young moms who had no connection to the family or the school or our church, but loved praying with them and getting to know them a bit. I really hope they will come back on Sunday too.

It was very interesting to see 4 different news reports on the evening. What they chose to report, what went by the wayside. Click here to see one of the reports from the evening.

Anyone with information regarding Kyron Horman's whereabouts is asked to call the Multnomah County Sheriff's Office at (503) 261-2847.

try following directions

2010-05-29T11:24:00.001-07:00

my father had a sign hanging in his classroom which said

When all else fails... try following directions

I have spent most of my life not baking. Even as I've fallen in love with cooking, I have told myself and others, "I don't bake." I dont really care much for sweets, and frankly I'm just not good at things which require accuracy and ones full attention. Since we went to Houston I've been talking mostly about two things. 1. the fact that Rice's graduation would have benefitted from a producer AND 2.the coconut cake at Ruggles. Well, since Rice isn't hiring me for their indoor graduation which only occurs once ever 45 years or so due to rain, I decided to work out the coconut cake fetish instead. So, not suprisingly my dad was right... I can bake when I follow directions. I wonder if this whole following directions things applies in other areas of life? Thanks Julie for the suggested recipe.

If you really knew me you would know...

2010-05-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

I am a sinner, rescued and saved by grace
I am compelled to purchase containers – it makes me feel organized
I am not gonna drink more than one glass of alcohol with you
I am organized at work and couldn’t care less at home
I am ruthlessly independent and an extrovert
I am wired to function in crises and stink at the long haul
I can never decide Orange Sherbet or Rocky Road (with almonds)
I can no longer do two things at once
I curse and have been known to flip the bird, in jest.
I cut my own hair when I’m stressed
I don’t need to be right, I need to be understood
I don’t particularly like looking at or being touched by animals
I don’t plan to work at Sunset forever
I enjoy being a girl
I feel most at home on a volleyball court
I hate to wait for the check after a meal
I have a lot of acquaintances but a very small capacity for deep relationship
I have only slept alone at home three times in 23.5 years of marriage
I like when you pick the restaurant
I learned that things don’t matter when we had a house fire
I love being near the water
I love pictures of people, even myself.
I love to answer questions
I love to cook, but rarely make the same recipe twice
I love to play games
I need a nap at 2pm daily and dont schedule meetings then
I need to be challenged
I never sort our socks
I play the flute, guitar and piano
I prefer a bath to a shower
I prefer handmade gifts
I prefer to be the passenger rather than the driver
I rarely eat breakfast
I rarely have thought about it before we begin talking about it
I tell only one joke and it’s not funny anymore
I typically fall in love with my masseuse
I was loved and put up for adoption then loved by my family
I would rather live in a studio apartment than a picket fence house
I would be a gambler if I could
My favorite sound is my three children laughing and singing together
My favorite beverage is a Roy Rogers
When i buy something new I have no idea what i wore before
If there were no music then I would not get through
Chips and salsa WILL improve my mood
I am 45 today.

** took this picture in Austin last week. I feel like it is me...simple, unpolished, and natural... me at 45.

Chris' Commencement

2010-05-19T07:19:00.000-07:00

I remember the day that Chris made the decision to go to Rice SO clearly. He was choosing between a full ride at ASU- Honors college and a good financial aid package at Rice University. I just kept thinking... full ride = free college... it's a very good price. I thought it, outloud in fact, to him repeatedly. But at the end of the day, it was his time to make his choice. I've often thought of it like the moment in Stuart Little when the mother pushes the "son" out in the boat on the water. He chose Rice, and we watched him sail away. When he chose Rice I had to look up Houston on a map. Of course, I knew where Texas was, but not Houston. Neither he or Mike and I had ever been there or visited Rice the day we dropped him off at school. It was in fact the trip that began my blogging.
He made his decision because it was a great school, he knew it would be a good investment in his education and his future. And as it turns out he was right. This weekend he graduated from Rice University with a BA in Mathematics, Summa Cum Laude, Phi Beta Kappa. He has received a doctoral fellowship from the National Physical Science Consortium which will fully fund his doctoral studies and living expenses and he will be attending the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor in the fall. I am so proud and happy for him because he truly dedicated himself to his goals and invested the time and energy to achieve them. It wouldn't have mattered WHAT the goal was, in fact, I didn't know what Summa Cum Laude or Phi Beta Kappa were until I googled them. But it was a sweet sweet day to see him accomplish what he has set his mind and heart too from such an early age. Someone asked me if I cried. And, I did twice. I cried once when I was sitting in the Tudor Fieldhouse, top row, waiting for graduation writing thank you notes to his friends because I was so grateful for their outpouring of love over the past few years. College has been financially challenging for us, but mostly for him. He denied himself SO much in order to reach his goals. These friends have seen him for who he really is, and helped him relationally and practically along the way. They have become family. And then, when it was all over- I cried thinking of how proud my father and Mike's father would have been of him, of any grandchild, on this day. I wish they could have been here. So, we say farewell to Rice University, to Wiess college which has been his home for four years, nearly a fifth of his life. One chapter ends and another begins. And yes, I had to look up Ann Arbor on a map too.

5/2/10

2010-05-07T10:40:00.001-07:00

Last Sunday was one of my favorite days of "church" ever! And I'm a church girl... so that's saying something.

Several years ago I heard a podcast from Menlo Park Pres. where John Ortberg was sharing something their church had done. They "did" church by serving in the community rather than huddling. LOVED this idea and have wanted to do it at my church ever since.

Our Senior Pastor and Outreach Ministry team came up with "the Church has Left the Building" idea and 5/2/10 was our date! The basic idea was come to church for a shortened service and then head out in to the community to serve for 3-4 hours.
There were 35 projects ranging from landscaping, transient camp clean up, school clean ups to nursing home services etc. At last count I think over 1500 of Sunset's people left the building to serve that day.

Our family signed up to serve at JOIN. I chose JOIN because it's not in Beaverton, because of the team leader, Charlie Theuma, who I've heard of, but not gotten to serve with before and because I believe in their mission. Transitioning the homeless in to stable housing.

Originally I was kind of bummed because it would just be Mike, Molly and I and Abby would be serving with the high school students somewhere else in town, but on Sunday I found out that the students were also coming to JOIN to serve!
In addition to getting out of the building and the work we accomplished together in our community, one of the best parts of 5/2/10 for me was watching people use their gifts in community. Leadership, helps, service, administration, hospitality... it was a sweet sweet day and I can't wait to do more of these!

Kooza- Cirque Du Soleil

2010-05-01T11:40:00.000-07:00

"The circus is not theatre, it’s not variety its’ not street theatre, it’s not a musical, it is a beast all by itself. If there is any word that describes the show, for me personally, it is FUN." --- David Shiner, Director of Kooza

For Christmas we bought tickets to see the Cirque Du Soleil show, Kooza when it came to Portland in the Spring. Well, Spring has sprung and last night we got to go see it. I love Cirque for lots of reasons... but mostly because I get to suspend reality for a few hours. It's visually stimulating, exciting, unexpected, and like being in another beautiful universe for just a little while.

You can also watch segments of the show on youtube search Kooza press conference.

Small Change will Make a Difference!

2010-04-30T08:46:00.000-07:00

Angel, Helene-Honduras
A few weeks ago, in honor of Angel, a Helene kid we got to know I participated in "One Day Without Shoes" virtually. Virtually, because I was barefoot on the street, driving and at work, until I spent the evening with a friend at the hospital. Didn't think I could pull off the bare feet there.

The idea of the day is to raise awareness and to get shoes for kids around the world. Here are the facts:
- In some developing nations, children must walk for miles to school, clean water and to seek medical help.
- Cuts and sores on feet can lead to serious infection.
- Often, children cannot attend school barefoot.
- In Ethiopia, approximately one million people are suffering from Podoconiosis, a debilitating and disfiguring disease caused by walking barefoot in volcanic soil.
- Podoconiosis is 100% preventable with basic foot hygiene and wearing shoes.

I posted on facebook that I was participating in the barefoot day and Anne May, whose family is currently serving at the Karibue Centre in Thika, Kenya posted a note on my wall that the kids around the center are in need of shoes. So via my facebook wall I announced that we were going to collect quarters in my cowboy boot at work on Sunday. The goal was that we would raise enough money for new shoes for 60 kids, approximately $120. Families saved money, kids took money out of their accounts and parents matched it, people cleared out their penny jars and asked me not to total it after one week but to extend to a second Sunday. Yesterday Mike and I dumped the really heavy nearly overflowing boot in to a change counter and the Sunset community gave (drum roll please) $240!!!!! We will be depositing the cash in to Ian's account soon so they can buy shoes for the kids who will be heading to school soon. THANK YOU so much everyone who donated!

Janet goes to college

2010-04-28T20:30:00.001-07:00

I've been toying with the idea of returning to school for several years. Every year something has prevented me. This year, nothing stands in my way, so when my friend Julie invited me to join her for a seminary visit, I jumped at the chance.
A guest speaker, Tom Shiave, Pastor of Gateway Baptist spoke on the topic of wisdom and discernment.

He began by having each student introduce themself and share a little. Who are you and what do you do? Seminary style.
About half the class are the college students you'd expect. The other half are, as Julie says, non-traditional students. All ages, ethnicities, such a wide variety of stories. I found being in that environment SO exhilirating and interesting. One check in the Pro column for returning to school.

Then he asked us to share someone we knew who was wise. This was awkward because the first person who came to mind, was Julie, my host. She has a way of looking out and up when I am mired in the muck. Eventually I did share much to her disgust. Humility is also a quality of wisdom. :-)

Then we talked about what wisdom isn't.
It isn't the ability to figure everything out or know why things are the way they are or what will happen next. Sometimes I really pressure myself to be this person.

Then, we talked about what wisdom IS.
It IS good common sense and right judgment. It is knowing WHAT to do, understanding or better yet perceiving practical things. The ability to make good decisions. It IS living skillfully in whatever actual condition you are in. It IS the ability to choose the best means to the best end.

If you were asked to name the wisest person ever... would you say Jesus? Yet, 1 Cor. 1:24 says that Christ is the power and the wisdom of God." Christ was the image of God applied and lived out as a man. Man we have redefined waht smarts and intelligence are in comparison to the life of Christ.

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness. James 3:13-18

So, how do I become wise?
A. Understand who God is and who I am instead. Acknowledge my smallness and distrust myself.
B. Be realistic about life, look at it as it really is.
C. Look for wisdom, seek it out
D. Pray and ask for it.
E. Make God's word a priority
F. Seek good wise counsel - find a mentor and read alot!
G. Listen to the words of Jesus (the wisest man ever)
H. Evaluate my decisions, what could I have done better?

So, there you have it. 90 minutes of seminary condensed.

What else I learned today, is this. I dont know if I can do my real life AND school. This one class gave me lots to chew on and there is no homework due. I just dont know if i have enough room in my brain or life for school right now, even if I absolutely would love it. Where would it fit? What would have to move or leave my schedule and priorities? Would it be... wise?

Thank you Sunset

2010-03-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought,
and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder. ~ G.K. Chesterton

I want to say thank you for the generous gift our ministry gave me two weeks ago. I was overwhelmed by the kind words and the gift I was given that Sunday afternoon and couldn’t get my thoughts out through tears, so I will write instead. I want you all to know how very much I have appreciated being part of this community which has always been a generous and nourishing environment for me. My life has been blessed by the people of Sunset.

Ten years ago I was hired by Ken Hickman to serve as the administrative assistant. I had interviewed for a different ministry though my heart was really drawn to the Worship community at Sunset. I understand Ken bartered a bottle of wine for me and then offered me a job. It came at a time in my life when I needed a fresh start and I will always be grateful to Ken for giving me this opportunity. I immediately found a home for my administrative gifting, organizing things and felt a fit providing a structure, an arbor of sorts, for our artists to flourish on. Over the next couple of years Ken, Steve Schroeder and Julie Reid continued to invite me in to more opportunities to discover my gifts and to grow. I was blessed during that time to travel with several teams to the Willow Creek Arts Conference in Chicago and began to find tools and a job description/title for a new role at Sunset that the Worship leadership team and Pastor Ron encouraged me to grow in to.

A couple of years in to ministry we were without a pastor and I was the sole staff person in the Worship ministry. I am forever indebted to the volunteer team that stepped up, surrounded me and led the ministry during that season; Jim Kimsey, Bryce Schroeder, Steve Masters and Wayne Moore, to name a few. At that same time Barbara Feil invited me to join a small group of women leaders from Sunset, who for a season met together to discuss our challenges and our successes. It was an awakening that the fire that burned in me to be involved, to resolve challenges with a bias for action was actually leadership gifting. And that to not lead, in spite of my self-doubt, would be less than what God intended for me… a switch flipped.

Soon after, Jay McKenney was hired and he and Julie led the ministry with a pastoral perspective which God is using to transform me. I am different now, as a result of their influence as genuine truth tellers who are committed to personal spiritual health and growth while maintaining a ruthless commitment to creating services where people have the space they need to respond to the Holy Spirit as we worship God together in community. That’s a mouthful and it is my life now.

When I am asked about Sunset I share that it has been a place where Pastor Ron and others have seen potential in me and challenged me to use my gifts while allowing me to learn and risk making mistakes. I often say I laugh every day here, cry many of them and make a different mistake every week. But these all happen on a team where we love well and build grace together so that we can give our best to glorify God.
I love Sunset. It is not the building or the Senior Pastor, it is the church, the people… each of you, who are generous with your time and talents and resources that make it what it is.
If you have ever wondered how I do what I do it is because of the God in me, the people who have shared this journey with me and in particular my Tuesday night dinner companions Julie Reid and Laura Padur who have sustained my sanity through many challenging seasons. Also, my beloved family, Michael, Chris, Molly and Abby who have selflessly allowed me to serve in this community. My family serves with me as a result of every evening I haven’t been home for dinner, ten December marathons, not sitting as a family in church and no Easter breakfast… among so many other things. If they hadn’t given so open handedly I could not have done the last ten years.

So, thank you so very much for serving with me the past ten years and for the generous gift. I will let you all know what I use it for.
See you in church, Janet

Blame Julie or Julia

2010-03-19T11:36:00.000-07:00

Blog Dry for months... but am beginning to think "hey I should blog that..." again- not this in particular, but things like cooking my first steak and checking the temp with the shield still on the thermometer... or Molly leaving last night for Honduras etc. or how do I say thank you for 10 years of ministry to Sunset, so... here we go again and it begins with food. blame Julie or Julia.

Heres' what we had for dinner a while back, and it was simple and scrumptious!

Inexpensive Steak with Mustard-Cream Sauce for Two

One of the things I've learned as I've discovered my love of cooking is great knives and maison plas. Chopping/Measuring it all out ahead of time ala cooking show style. Life changing (giggle).

I recently made steak for Michael and I for the first time. Yep. Strange huh? I grew up with thin tough steak and didn't consider it an option for us at home, til now. Thank you America's Test Kitchen(yet again) and my DVR.

Cheap Steak for two with a mustard cream sauce

Ingredients
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 boneless strip steak about 1 pound and 1 1/4 inches thick
1 small shallot , minced (about 2 tablespoons)
1 1/2 tablespoons dry white wine
1/4 cup low-sodium chicken broth
3 tablespoons heavy cream
1 1/2 tablespoons whole-grain Dijon mustard

Instructions
1. Heat oil in heavy-bottomed 10-inch skillet over medium-high heat until smoking. Meanwhile, season both sides of steak with salt and pepper. Place steak in skillet; cook, without moving steak, until well browned, about 2 minutes. Using tongs, flip steak; reduce heat to medium. Cook until well browned on second side and internal temperature registers 125 degrees on instant-read thermometer for medium-rare (about 5 minutes) or 130 degrees for medium (about 6 minutes).

2. Transfer steak to large plate and tent loosely with foil; let rest until internal temperature registers 130 degrees for medium-rare or 135 degrees for medium, 12 to 15 minutes.

3. While steak is resting, pour off all but 1 tablespoon fat from now-empty skillet. Return skillet to low heat and add shallot; cook, stirring frequently, until beginning to brown, 2 to 3 minutes. Add wine and increase heat to medium-high; simmer rapidly, scraping up browned bits on pan bottom, until liquid is reduced to glaze, about 30 seconds; add broth and simmer until reduced to 2 tablespoons, about 3 minutes. Add cream and any meat juices; cook until heated through, about 1 minute. Stir in mustard; season to taste with salt and pepper.

4. Using sharp knife, slice steak about 1/4 inch thick against grain on bias. Arrange on platter or on individual plates, and spoon sauce over steak; serve immediately.

I cooked the canned green beans with bacon and tossed them in the pan with the dripping from the meat and mustard cream sauce.

thanksgiving peeps

2009-11-26T11:05:00.000-08:00

"It is therefore recommended... to set apart , for solemn thanksgiving and praise, that with one heart and one voice the good people may express the grateful feelings of their hearts and consecrate themselves to the service of their divine benefactor..." SAMUEL ADAMS: FIRST OFFICIAL THANKSGIVING PROCLAMATION:

In Belgium I had the chance to explain where Thanksgiving comes from, and why we celebrate it. Apparently there were no pilgrims and Native Americans there...

2009 will be remembered for a year when I discovered how grateful I am for a new level of living life in community through joy and sorrow.
So, today I am grateful for...
people who make me laugh.
people who challenge me to think differently, to continue to grow.
people who can cry in front of me.
people who when I cry, still listen to my words through my tears.
people who remind me to do the right thing.
people who love my family, like their family.
people who are consistent amd faithful.
people who forgive me when i hurt them.
people who trust me with their truth.
people who make me feel enough to cry.
new and old (not chronologically speaking) people.

This year, I think I discovered at a new level that I am a “people who needs people.”
Thanks friends!

Producing a Global Leadership Summit

2009-11-24T06:06:00.000-08:00

Jarrett, Willow Creek Conference Manager, Gary, Exec VP Intl WCA, Johan and Karin Klein, the heart of the Belgium Summit

So people have asked what do I do when I produce a Summit.I thought I’d write some of it out…

I arrived in Belgium on Wednesday and meet a couple who had been pleading Willow Creek to bring the Summit to Brussels for about a decade. This couple, Johan and Karin, lead a small house church of 20 people. They are passionate about leading Belgium to Christ and use events like the Summit to challenge and mobilize the churches in their cities.

This is Brussels second year of the Summit. Last year they had Joe Horness, formerly a worship leader at Willow producing (read: big shoes) and this year, because Willow thought they still needed a little coaching they sent me.
I will work with them, to deliver this (Summit) baby. It is like a baby… because it takes months to get here… and then in a few short hours of labor and delivery it is here… and then the real work begins. It's also a little like delivering a baby because we are strangers to one another, for the most part, but we have to get to know one another quickly, they have to trust my experience and I have to get to know them quickly, and know when to "push" (tee hee pardon the pun).

Belgium is a spiritually dark country.
2% of the population consider themselves proestant and 7% Catholic. This compares with 78% of Americans who consider themselves Christian.
The summit is 6 sessions on video tape of teaching focused at mobilizing church leaders to make a difference in their community and world.
The six sessions
Friday night
1 Bill Hybels- senior pastor Willow Creek Church - practical advice for managing the church during an economical crises. financial, HR and personal health guidelines
2 Tim Keller- pastor of a NY church- a message on the prodigal son analogy Jesus used. Tells the story in a way that I've never heard it. A great challenge to the stale church.
Saturday
3 John Ortberg- my favorite teaching pastor and my favorite talk ever. What prevents us from leading to our full potential.
4 Gary Hamel- business scholar and believer. Is the church changing as fast as the rest of the world? We must if we are going to reach people.
5 Bono- Three years ago Bono and Bill Hybels sat down and Bono challenged the sleeping church because it wasn't doing enough about global poverty and health crises. This year they sat back down again and reviewed how the church has made a diffference. Stories were shared from churches around the world who are doing something....
6 Harvey Carey- Detroit (black baptist) preacher who took a 50% paycut to move from NYC to Detroit to pastor a church there. Kick in the pants talk on what we CAN do in our communities. His church does things like... when you come on Sunday we go out and pray for people in the community right then. Every house, ring the doorbell, pray for people kind of stuff. Or an overnight camp out in front of the drug houses in the neighborhood. They've shut down or moved 8 out of their neighborhood.

We have 6 sessions, music, creative elements, announcements, french, dutch and english translations for each session etc. to fit in to Friday night and Saturday.
Thursday we spent the day reviewing the plans for each of the six sessions.
What is the best flow of the session, what songs should we sing, when should the worship leader speak, is the energy of the music right for the moment... Friday night after work... Saturday morning after a late night, or after a lunch break...
If we do this, does it mean we can't do that? Should we start early or on time? Is there enough time for a dinner break? How long does that take?
When should the tech team and band/vocals arrive for rehearsal? How should they prioritize their rehearsal time? Run soundchecks. If they dont get to everything before we open doors to the conference in the morning, can we add another rehearsal during a break?
The band/vocals/tech team had 12 people drawn from 8 different churches in the area. They dont know one another well, but have had a couple of rehearsals together. Who is in charge here? Problem solve when things dont go according to plan. We plan, God laughs. When the technical director is laid up for 4 days and now can't come, help figure out how we are going to do it without him. Who is most capable in what roles (strangers to me and one another) and how can we roll up our sleeves and get it done. Encouraging and coaching all along the way, knowing that 1. they dont do this level of programming week in and week out like we do and 2. that they need to be equipped to do all of this in their own way themselves next year. Watching constantly for who has the right mix of gifts for leadership next year.
Remembering I am an American woman and a stranger with all the baggage that goes with that.
Remembering that because I am from Willow (which is like the Mother ship ) if i suggest something, in most cases all energy and effort will be given to that rather than it just being an idea or a discussion. It's too much power in some cases.
Always keeping the values of team work and serving and excellence (the best with what we have) in mind.
Doing all of this where English is the second or third language.

And then there are the technical aspects.
For this conference that's 4 vocalists, 5 musicians, 2 lighting rigs, 2 dvd players playing simultaneously in case of a failure, 2 facilitators, a mime, some late additions of video/programming elements projected on to 2 large screens in a funky shaped room, none of which was really set up or in the room when we got there.

We set everything up on Thursday, make sure it all works, then decide at every moment of the conference what will be heard, seen and how the lighting will affect each moment.
Should it be dark while we're singing, how dark? Should it be a little lighter during the messages so people can take notes? How light? In a rented room where house lighting is funky i.e. everytime you change the lighting up or down, half the lights do this major twinkling thing which is distracting so is the lighting change worth doing or not?
Oh and the mime, with props on saturday morning. How will we clear the musicians off the stage and transition to her mime quickly. Is a mime appropriate in Belgium?
What can we minimize on stage so that she is the focus, with physical stage transitions and lighting? Oh and there's a video clip at the end of her mime. let's decide if we want to have sound, or not for the mime clip, since it's a mime, afterall.
Oh and your trumpet teacher who is not a believe is coming to play Amazing Grace… where and when makes the most sense?
Get them up and running in rehearsal and leave the room to go print something downstairs and come back and of course, there’s something wrong with sound and we’ve screeched to a halrt. And now rehearsal is running late and it's time to open doors now... whats the greater value, rehearsal or open doors? The answer… preparation for when the most people are in the seats… so we apologize for opening late, offer people a cup of coffee and continue to get ready.

These kinds of decisions are made all the time. Competing values is what we call them. There's a value to everything and a cost. Keep the big idea in mind... weigh the costs vs. the benefit and make a decision, communicate the why because it's really just a choice. All the time choices. There's rarely a right or wrong in my world. A producer looks at the big picture and makes the decisions.

Facilitation. Because we are in Belgium, the conference videos are in English with both French and Dutch subtitles on the screen.
Oh, the subtitles are at different positions every talk, so let's think through how we need to test/adjust the screen each time so that the best image is projected for this session.
We have a French and a Dutch translator who do all the announcements. What should they bother to say and when is it too much talking? They also spend time following each session pointing the attendees to a list of questions in their conference notebook and give them time to discuss what they have heard. How much time should this take each session? What should the facilitators say to spark discussion but not repreach the message. Is this more of a personal time of reflection or a team discussion time? What should the lighting in the room be during this moment? What is the mood at the end of the message, is it upbeat- go change your world, or reflective, challenging, introspective and how does that affect the tone of the facilitation. Oh, and what do the 20 or so English speaking people do while the French and Dutch facilitation is going one, how about side screeen announcements for them, ok what's the script? Oh, so the event managers dont like the french or dutch subtitles for two or the sessions, ok, how will we distribute a couple of hundred headsets to people who speak two different languages for those sessions, get them back and charged and back out. Does the translation system work this morning? Oh, the Dutch translator is late, hmmm what shall we do? Oh, and when those lights are on it creates a buzz in the translation systems for the Dutch speaking people. Who can solve this and how quickly?

This is... what I did.

It's event management, volunteer coordination and decision making all the time.
I absolutely love it. I make mistakes every time and learn more every time.
This was my eleventh Summit to produce. Nine at home, 1 in Honduras last year and then Belgium. In most ways, this one was easier primarily because it's my second time doing it so I felt like I better understood what was expected of me and how I fit in and, speaking of understanding… the people i worked with spoke more English so that helped me to be more engaged in the moment and decision making.

I absolutely believe in the content of the conference, in equipping leaders to see their potential and do more with it, this kind of teaching and resources which are so prevalent in the States is so much harder to get there. And, a lot of pastors have teaching and shepherding gifts but may not have a lot of training in team building, equipping and mobilizing volunteers or business management. So any way we can help them is a good good thing.

But, personally my favorite part of producing a Global Summit is the opportunity to work with an individual team on the ground in a new place, the 1:1 conversations, listening to their ideas, why things matter to them, talking through how one thing affects another and reaching, in most cases, a decision together, and occasionally in some cases- making an unpopular call from the gut, for the greater good. I love thinking through every detail, juggling alot at one time, watching people use their gifts to build the church around the world.

On the way to the airport Karin said, “we used to be Sunday Christians but then we heard Bill Hybels talk about the mission and importance of a vision and then we knew we must do something.” Today, just a few years later she and her husband and a small network of Belgium believers are making a difference equipping church leaders through events like the Summit. It's really incredible.

I am unbelievably grateful to my family and team for the opportunity to go and serve and have front row seat.
Every trip I come home realizing how fortunate I am to serve with my team week in and week out at such a resourced church. And the question always remains, are we doing the best w3 can with what WE have…

Global Leadership Summit - Belgium

2009-11-21T03:05:00.001-08:00

The longer you are in the trenches the easier it is to mistake the edge of your rut for the horizon. - Gary Hamel

Wondering how to put the past few days in to words and phrases. I am so grateful for this opportunity, to be here, to learn and to serve and to expand my own horizon.

I will remember this place because of the joy of Johan, who deeply cared while smiling his way through every detail, because of Karin who has instincts and passion for the Belgiums people WAY beyond the 20 people in her home church, for Audri who is a humble, calm, work horse who I would want in any trench with me, for Daniel, the young Belgium producer who answered a last minute call and served with excellence beyond what I could expect, for the reminder of what a priviledge it is to be here when others like Jeroen are too sick to come, for young beautiful Jemima- a sensitive capital A storyteller, for Yo who is tender and in pain and still serving every moment, for the warmth of young love, for Peter the drummer who is also a sound guy and a guitarist and the list could go on, for Henri and Janet who were sensitive and bright in their translation,for a great arrangement of More Love, More Power and getting to sing You are My Hiding Place again, for David, for yet another coooool bass player, the grin of a percussionist, the young piano player who worships at the keys, for Rebekkah who led with passion and authenticity and whose “L” is most present on the platform, for Joke (pronounced Yoko) for the beauty of her flowers, for a team who understand we are better when we all contribute, for kindness, for crummy internet, sandwiches, sleeping in a bunk bed with Molly, for parking tickets and mostly for a community that understands that church is not about a building and longs for its community to know Christ.

Paris Nov 17th 2009

2009-11-17T12:02:00.001-08:00

We spent the morning doing a historical Paris walking tour courtesy of a Rick Steves podcast.

Notre Dame... wow. Caught the end of mass there... can't get over thinking about what the peasant people of Paris thought of God in light of the hard work put in to building this place and the enormity and grandeur of it... it's seriously gorgeous. Got to see the one origial Rose stained glass... from the thirteenth century. Speechless...

Shakespeare Books- loved it! The description outside says the books are stored like chapters in a book... so true. Utter delightful chaos.

The Latin Quarter. Fabulous! Want to come back and eat my way through it... at night with live music it must be one of the coolest places here.

Last stop today, the Eiffel tower. It's just one of those things you gotta see... and we spent an hour or so with her. Beautiful.

We've spent a bit of time this trip discussing function vs. fashion. All pics posted of me will be from the ankle up by order of Molly. Wish i had an example but I"m still taking pics with the monster cam and have no working card reader for it.

Food today... we are definately in a rut. Crepes and frites and Pasta Carbonara and Frites. I know... ridiculous!

Didn't get to everything we thought we might while we're here, but I'm savoring time with Molly here and what we are getting to see. We're currently in our room, both journaling, listening to the new John Mayer release.
Loving life today and so grateful for the opportunity we have had to be here.

Bonsoir!

Paris Nov 16 09

2009-11-16T15:46:00.000-08:00

Arrived in Paris this morning, seem to be managing the travel ok.
Having some issues with the card reader and the "good" camera, so here's a favorite from the day from the back up cam.

At a glance, here is Paris, to me, today.

Loud, cars have the right of way- not pedestrians, motor bikes/scooters everywhere I WANT ONE but would be afraid to drive it here.

Smoking is only allowed outside so the sidewalks are full of smokers, it is the first and last place in my life that I’ll ever consider smoking because it just seems cool. (note to my mother- I’m not going to do it). It’s just that it feels very movie like and foreign, and I dont mind it here.

People seem more involved in conversation here... which frustrates me because we can't really take part because I didn’t study the language before coming.
Very frustrated with myself on this particular point.

Well dressed french men, and few pretty french women, so far.
People wear a lot of black and 2/3 of the women wear a coat with leggings tucked in boots. (Knew I should have bought those new black flat boots….)
And there are WAY more men than women on the street.
Men wear pink here, and for the most part, with black it’s working for them.
And that completes our fashion update for the night.

We walked a lot today. I think this is the best way to see a city intimately.
We stumbled across the Arc du Triumph in our neighborhood. Wandered around Montmarte.

Food… let’s see pasta with prosciutto, frites. Crepe. Steak and frites. Currently staring at a palmier and a chocolate macaroon that I hope Molly will eat so I don’t. Food comes fast here. I like that.
But I feel lame every time I don’t stick around to drink coffee following the meal. Perhaps instead of smoking I should take up coffee?

Found a Starbucks or 2... in Paris!

We traveled a short distance on the train with 4 British women, we affectionately are calling the Spice Girls.
We tried to stand close so we could hear them talk about Dancing with the Stars and the latest celebrity gossip. They were adorable.

Decided not to over program this trip.
I can be a commando, take no prisoners, have a plan, see everything sort of traveler.
This trip, trying to be more loose, in the moment with Molly and take things as they come.
Her favorite movie has always been Moulin Rouge, so since we’re here we went to the show tonight.
Well… as I twittered… it’s not for everyone.
She and I politely laughed our way through it trying to imagine describing it in detail to Abby who would think she’d want to go, but would have hated it.
Did I mention they had miniature horses? And, lovely… I have the “can can” song playing in my head, it's not exactly a lullaby... and that’s about all I’m going to say about that! Oh except… Molly drank her first champagne tonight and I was there. That was fun!

Our hotel, the Monceau Elysses is adorable.
We are in a loft type room with two single beds on the top floor.
It’s adorable with Victoria’s Secret pink striped wall paper!
She and I are facing one another now, typing on our laptops and one of us simply must set the example and go to bed!
It’s nearly 1am Tuesday, now.

The first 24 hours

2009-11-16T06:26:00.001-08:00

Wow... first European travel experience!
Up Sunday morning at 2:15 at the airport by 3:30 then on a plane for a 6am flight to Chicago (where I tried to stay awake, somewhat unsuccessfully)
We had a lengthy lay-over in Chicago and it is one of my favorite places in the world (so far) so Molly and I took the train into town for a quick trip to some favorite spots. The American Girl store on Michigan Ave, Giordano's Pizza, couple of cab rides, Millenium park, then back to the airport. As you can see, my ongoing fascination with "the bean" continues.
It was a whirlwind trip!
This is my favorite pic from the day...

Then on another plane for an 8 hour flight to Paris. I found myself absolutely unnerved flying over the water- a wee bit freaked, so I forced myself to sleep for that part of the flight, rather than watch all the different things available on a personal screen in front of me, or the multitude of french vocab/historylessons I should have been listening to.
But we made it!
We rode the subway to our hotel, took a quick walk to the Arc du Triumph, had lunch at a bistro- had trouble knowing what to order.... again, should have spent time with my French lessons but split some great pasta and then to our hotel, the cutest thing ever for a long nap! That's 24 hours.

Posting things from here is s l o w so I will likely only do a couple pics a day for our travel blog. I will post more at my facebook page.
Bonjour!

Getting Ready...

2009-11-13T06:59:00.000-08:00

In 48 hours I'll be leaving for Europe.

I'm getting the opportunity to produce another Global Leadership Summit, this time, in Brussels, Belgium.
So, what does that mean?
That means that I'll be arriving in Brussels on Wednesday, greeted by Johan and Karin Klein, the Summit event managers.
Yes, it will be one of those... name on a placard sort of meetings, but in a European train station!
Yes, I'm excited.
I'm excited to be part of something way beyond me.
I'm excited to have a tiny role in helping to equip church leaders around the world.
And, I'm excited to be challenged.
Every week at home, my work is creative and different and challenging, but this is different because I hit the ground running and have to build relationships quickly, learn to think and communicate in a new culture, problem solve, coach and encourage and most of all serve.
First in, last out, wits about me- balance mission with relationship, serve.

But what do I do????
I'll be working with a Belgium creative team on several worship sets for the conference. We'll be working together to create moments where community in a somewhat divided country can happen and where the Arts can be an instrument used by the Holy Spirit to challenge and encourage.

And because I'm a tecky at heart, I'm also anxious to work with the the technical team who move in to a rented space, with all the challenges that go along. For example, last year the screen arrived about 30 minutes before the first session so we used the wall for the morning sessions.

And, this year I'll be more involved with the facilitators of each session. Following the Summit sessions, two facilitators "unpack" the session, in two languages! with the conference attenders. So, knowing the content of the six sessions, the culture of the audience, and sensing the room are critical.

Last year, I had the chance to do this in Honduras and still maintain some relationships from my time there. It changed how I view the world and the "C"hurch. I cannot wait to join the team in Brussels!

And... this year, my daughter Molly is traveling with me.
We leave Sunday morning and arrive Monday in Paris for two nights there.
If our internet connections are good we'll keep our travel journal here.

each word a gift

2009-10-30T11:23:00.000-07:00

This week I was in a very typical situation and I blew it. (Also, pretty typical).

The setting. A meeting.
An off the cuff comment by (person 1) led to hurt feelings (person 2) led to defensiveness then trying to walk back through it to resolution in front of others.
I am a huge fan of healthy conflict in meetings, so that’s not the issue.
The issue is what happens next.

As the dust settled and there were only a few people standing around (person2) asked for honest feedback on their behavior.
I froze. It was nearly impossible to discuss what we had experienced without talking about (person 1 who had left the room).
I know because I stood there for minutes trying to figure out how to do it.
I finally stammered something, with no real explanation and slithered out of the room feeling uncomfortable. The

The rest of the week I’ve wondered about that situation.
What should I have said?
I’ve landed on… “I’m sure the two of you can find resolution if you talk it out.”
But the setting was public. So is there some acceptable discussion with the group?
The people in this setting did a good job. But, more often than not, this kind of thing gets ugly.

Who do you go to when you need a shoulder to cry on or to be challenged to be your better self?
I have a couple of girlfriends who I tell most everything. They are safe. They love me when I'm an idiot. They keep my head on straight and challenge me.
But if I retell a story in order to get counsel… what is gossip and what is healthy constructive communication?

This got me thinking about the peril of communication and community in the church.
One of my favorite topics.

I’m so challenged this week, that we’ve got to be different from the world.
Is this one way we could mark ourselves as more like Christ.
I’m sure that Jesus had conversations with his disciples about the events of the day but I bet they look a lot different than mine.

"Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift. Ephesians 4:29 MSG"

This little piggy

2009-10-23T08:34:00.000-07:00

Long before Facebook launched a family beta... the technologically savvy Fraser Clan launched their own google group.
this week Chris posted this and because we happen to be related to the grand champion pig farmers in Wa. County... he's actually getting some real advice. Who'd a thunk?
but in the slim chance that you might also have some info, i'm posting it here.

Hey everyone.
So I should probably update you on my life at some point but not today :). Things are going well basically. School is fun; classes are cool this year and actually not as hard as in previous years (more advanced but less work), and I am busily applying for graduate schools and scholarships.

Anyway, the more pressing question is this:
My residential college's mascot is the "battlesow." For some reason, the master at my college (that is, the professor who lives with us and throws social events, gives advice etc.), thinks it is a good idea for my college to obtain a live pig which we will take care of, feed leftovers, etc. Don't ask me.

He has set up a committee of people to investigate the viability of obtaining such a pig. They are thinking of probably a very small pig for ease of care. Besides that, I am not sure what they are thinking really.
Anyway, one of my friends is on the committee and I mentioned that my extended family had a number of pigxperts.
So, do you guys have any words of widsom?
For one thing, do you know what laws about owning pigs are like? What sort of work is involved in taking care of a small pig? We have heard that you have to take care of their teeth? Can you blindly feed them leftovers from the cafeteria or is that a bad idea (we have read you have to boil food).

Haha.
Thanks for your input,
Christopher

breathing

2009-10-01T08:08:00.000-07:00

It’s Sep 30th and I am "home"
It’s the first time I've been here since my father’s memorial service.
He would be 80 today.
But, he is not here.
I noticed it as I lifted my own suitcase in to the trunk at the airport.
I'm realizing a little better what life must be like for my Mom, now.
His things are here.
The garage, the Studebaker model, the chair he napped through Donahue in and the chair he used when he was sick, the crepe myrtle, the aviary, the nail kit, the piano, the organs.
But his touch, his spirit is missing, it’s as if the music in our home has died.

Reality is easier to ignore at a distance.

I didn’t expect it.
I thought I would sense him here, feel his presence more.
What I am struck by, as I get used to him not being here, is the reminder that life is not about our stuff.
It is about what we do while we have breath.
And he did a lot.
And, how strong and brave my Mom and brother have been to continue breathing here without him.

Parents are People Too

2009-09-22T20:57:00.000-07:00

It’s that time of year… lots of friends are sending kids away to college. Several of my closest friends are emptying their nest.
A friend posted this on their facebook status today: I want my kids to grow up and be independent and I don't want my kids to grow up and be independent! (Annie Salness)
I can relate… (AND I’m relishing coming home each night and giving Molly a kiss on the forehead because she chose NOT to go to college this fall).

I wonder what my friends are going to do with their new redefined life? Now that they, like their children, are grown up and independent, in their own way.
And, the closer our nest gets to empty, the more I start to look at myself and see what else, if anything, I’ve got going on in my life.

Add to that some conversations with Molly over the past few days. Adult conversations. About real life. About me as an individual. A person who has made decisions, some good some bad.
And a trip next week to go visit my mother.
This will be my first time spending extended time with her as an individual, without my Dad, who passed away 15 months ago.
They were such a pair, a couple. Parents.

And I realize if I want Molly to know me as a person, not just her Mom, I have to be willing to know my Mom as Louise.
Grown up and independent.
As I want her to know me.

Toes back in the water...

2009-09-14T11:31:00.000-07:00

Last week when my blog was mentioned from the platform in church I realized I dont do this anymore. I wondered why. I dont even read others' blogs anymore.
I've blamed it on other social media things like twitter and facebook, they are convenient.

Yes, I twitter. Nothing worth following but I like knowing what my friends are doing and generally blurting out random thoughts, so it works for me. I dont follow many people and have no idea why anyone would follow me.

Yes, I facebook. I like this alot. Not because it's replaced real relationships but because it's helped me connect and develop relationships with people I wouldn't find or make time for otherwise. Oh and I love pictures.

But recently, I've become more and more aware of some things.
I've laughed at the quick wit, creativity and humor and at times envied others, Josh Higginbotham, if you must know. He just eats and plays well.
And, I've wondered if I could ever type as fast as Erika Lee.
I've hurt people by not responding or reaching out.
I've hurt people by not reading for a day and missing something important to them.
I've been there, I've expected others would know things about me, because I'd posted it.
And, I've been hurt by things I have seen and read.

I wonder if the accessibility makes us more inclusive or further publicizes even unintended exclusivity?

I dont have answers, but I do know that I am more carefree/careless those two places than I am when I blog. And frankly, my life isn't that carefree nor do I wish to be careless.
Maybe that's it... 140 characters is way to small of a glimpse in to a life.
My life is messy right now.
My community is messy right now.
The people I am closest to are in many cases deeply hurting or in life transition. I am affected by this, so it's been more difficult to write when so much of my story this year hasn't only been mine.
And, I am messy right now.

I am more aware the power of words/thoughts, blogging comes from a deeper place for me, and is risky. But, if I am honest, I miss slowing down to think outloud here.

So, thank you Barb Feil for encouraging me to do my random stream of consciousness thing again... i think i'll put my toes back in the water.

Parenting Tips!

2009-08-28T10:32:00.001-07:00

Parents today imagine that there is a trade off between being strict and being permissive; and that the benefit of permissiveness is honesty, that they are going to hear the truth and not be kept in the dark so you'll be able to help. The science says that those permissive parents do not hear more truth from their kids and the best way to hear truth is to set a few rules, consistently enforce them...and [be willing as] parents to negotiate occasionally. -- Po Bronson

Great interview with Po Bronson on NPR. Caught it via the most emailed stories podcast. It was one of those... wish someone had told me sooner moments.
Parenting Tips: Praise Can Be Bad; Lying is Normal.
i'd encourage you to listen to the entire thing, I was particularly interested in the bit on "why kids lie?"

Kids by the age of 4 will experiment with lying... it's a sign of their nacent intelligence, it's more complicated to hold in your head as a child the truth and an alternative reality... it's normative... the question is what do we do with it over time?... -- Po Bronson

An Interview with Tony Blair

2009-08-08T09:38:00.000-07:00

An Interview with Tony Blair (videocast)
Tony Blair (Interview with Jim Mellado)

If you could have lunch with anyone alive in the world today, who would it be. Jim Mellado, president of the Willow Creek Association answered Tony Blair. This session was a video tape conversation between the two of them.

Challenge yourself on your decision making.
- Am I making this decision because it’s more comfortable for me or because I believe in my core that it is right.
- Am I more of a commentator on the situation or making decisions that lead to actions?

Bono- the Church... Three years later

2009-08-08T09:35:00.000-07:00

Bono, the Church… Three Years Later (videocast)
Bono

At a Summit three years ago Bono challenged the church because in most cases it was absent on the global stage dealing with global suffering and poverty. This session was an update and shared what some churches ARE doing about it.

- In todays world, the concept of neighbor has completely changed

Intuition is better than intellect- Bono

- The people want their leaders to be honest to have a spirit of humility.

Switch- Chip & Dan Heath

2009-08-08T09:32:00.000-07:00

Switch- Chip Heath and Dan Heath (Interview with Craig Groeschel)

Synopsis of Switch - what makes things stick? Concrete images and stories
New book- Switch Giddy that we got an advance copy!
Think of something in your life that needs to change.
If you are the leader, you are the rider and what you need to convince to change is the elephant.
You must convince them/it to move

DISCUSS: What is working, what are our bright spots? These are proof that we are capable. What is TBU- true but useless.

- Shrink the change so the elephant can stay motivated to move.
- Prepare people that failure is part of the process of success. Hope  Valley of Insight (aka failure) Confidence
- The “growth” mindset. Successful people have this. They believe that by working it out, it will get better. There is a tolerance for failure- in a time of change, failure is a necessity. When we work out our biceps we lift until we can’t lift anymore, fatigue is part of strengthening. Failure is a warning sign for success, but do we stop too soon?
- When I’m stuck consider do I have a person problem or a situation problem?
Example- seminary students were told they had some time to get to their speaking engagement- along the way was someone who needed help. 63% stopped.
Seminary students told to HURRY to their next speaking engagement passing someone who needed help 10% stopped.
Situation problem or people problem?
DISCUSS how we can attack our situation problems, roadblocks to people serving, journaling, attending regularly etc.- whatever our challenges are.

Reading List: Made to Stick

2009-08-08T09:23:00.000-07:00

Eyewitness to Power- David Gergen (Interview with Bill Hybels)

- A teacher of leadership cannot make a leader. He can only make people aware of the principles of leadership and expose them to role models.
- We must create a culture of service and leadership
- Leaders have to learn to get better. Their lives must include a reflective practice, a combination of leading in the arena and of reading about other leaders learnings.
- After every game we MUST come together, reflect, write and discuss what we learned. How did I contribute? How did it happen in spite of me? What will I do differently?

Don’t confuse motion with progress- David Gergen

DISCUSS: What do I hope to accomplish in the next six weeks. Evaluate how did I do? This leads to self-leadership and accountability.

- Occasionally move from the dance floor to the balcony.

Learnings from the white house:
- Nixon white house advisor told Gergen that the thing to know was that there was a struggle in him between those who appeal to his bright side and those who appeal to his dark side. Isn't this true of all of us. How can we surround ourselves with people who appeal to our bright side and be people who appeal to others bright sides.

Sometimes INspect is as important as REspect in a leader.

- Maturity includes coming to grips with your own flaws. You have to learn to control them so they don’t derail you or hurt others.

Get up every day and just try to be better- N Mandela

- Your role as a leader is to inspire and lead a team of leaders, to partner and collaborate with other leaders.

“If you want to go fast, go alone, if you want to go further, go together” – African proverb

On communication and symbolism
- Ghandi was a suit wearing lawyer who wore a loin cloth to show his solidarity with the poor
- Inspiring others to common goals requires trust and communication
- Remember that speeches take place within a context; who the speaker is, (who the audience is) speaks as loudly as what he/she says.
3 elements of a good speech- Aristotle
Ethos- the identity, believability of the speaker
Logos- the compelling logic
Pathos- the emotion you stir/share
If you are unknown to your audience you need to establish your ethos personally or in the introduction, then introduce some pathos, then the logos, then end with pathos- inspire people to do something

Personal Habits of the best leaders
- Self- discipline; control over your life and your body. This looks differently for everyone. Churchill worked from bed in the morning, then took a nap in the afternoon- creating two work days
- Strong leaders are physically fit- they have endurance for the hard tests
- They build time in their schedule for reflection and to spend time with those they love who love them.

Bill asked David what he hopes will happen when he comes to church
1- Place for inner peace, to be reminded that it’s not all about him, that there is something larger
2- To learn something from the teaching, from the Scriptures
3- Church provides a true north, an anchor, a spiritual foundation helps you find your leadership/moral compass

Reading List: Eyewitness to Power- David Gergen

Leveraging Your Past - Wess Stafford

2009-08-08T09:19:00.000-07:00

Leveraging Your Past - Wess Stafford

How do we leverage pain for ministry?

Wess shared his story of pain and abuse as a child in Africa. Others who experienced this kind of pain fall and dont get up. God used this, through Wess' obedience to fuel him to fight for children around the world. It drives his ministry at Compassion Intl.

When Wess turned in the manuscript for his book his publisher returned it with this comment.

They wont care what you know until they know why you care.

DISCUSS: What is it that moves you, what is your cause?

No experience in your life is beyond redemption.
God will orchestrate something out of the painful things in your life if we are obedient.

When I meet my maker and he wipes the tears from my eyes, I also want him to wipe the sweat from my brow. - Wess Stafford

Reading list: too small to ignore

Aid vs. Trade- Andrew Rugasira

2009-08-08T09:17:00.000-07:00

Aid vs. Trade
Andrew Rugasira

This session was led by Andrew Rugasira, a Ugandan businessman. He challenged the world and the church to change the conversation regarding Africa. To see the value of trade over aid. Lots of discussion surrounding this session and how the church, people individually should respond to the need there and around the world.

We need to reframe our view of third world countries.
We need to see them as consumers vs. just in need of aid.
Increasing trade, self sufficiency can minimize global poverty.

Thinking Forward Third Culture Leadership - Dave Gibbons

2009-08-08T08:31:00.000-07:00

Thinking Forward, Third Culture Leadership
Dave Gibbons

The two greatest commandments are Love God, love your neighbor.
How are we doing?

Who is your neighbor? We tend to define it as someone like me. But today- neighbor is being redefined.

Hard to find a concise definition of third culture, but the next generation is increasingly being described this way. Found this... "refers to someone who, as a child, has spent a significant period of time in one or more culture(s) other than his or her own, thus integrating elements of those cultures and their own birth culture, into a third culture". So if you think about the changes in the world during our lifetime, the way that communication/technology has changed our world- the adults in our world are living with third culture kids.
How should this be affecting our churches?

Third culture leadership requires adaptation
- Focus on the fringe, misfit over masses
- Failure is success to God, failure gives you the voice to connect to this generation, weakness can guide you, we MUST add our stories to our passions, spiritual gifts, competencies.
- Relationships trump vision.
- No relationship with God, means no vision for your church/ministry

We need more relationaries than visionaries. – Dave Gibbons

DISCUSS a priority shift: 70% leadership development and equipping and 30% weekend service prep

DISCUSS how the medici effect could affect ministry

Obedience to God is more important than our passion. Wrestle with these commands...
- Deeper collaboration in our church, our community
- Acts 2 Communal living
- Prayer- do we really believe in the power of the Holy Spirit
- Radical sacrifice for the outsider

Leadership Summit 09 - Day Two

2009-08-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

Friday morning we were asked to stand if we had attended ten leadership summits or more.
I stood.
With Honduras last November (9) I think this was 10 for me.
I’m a Summit groupie.
Not because it’s perfect but because I absolutely believe in leadership development, in the value of learning from other leaders, sharpening your skills, developing your gift.
The Summit does this for me.

I was challenged this year that I dont do enough of this throughout the year on my own, so i've created a reading list from this years faculty that I'll be listening to when i drive to/from work.

Against All Odds- Harvey Carey

2009-08-08T08:27:00.000-07:00

Against All Odds
Harvey Carey

Am I doing enough?
Do I believe that God’s work is true?
The role of leaders is to equip
Members must take ownership of the work – must be genuinely engaged in the work

We must stop huddling on Sunday morning but never playing the game

Sunday morning is when we equip AND GIVE OPPORTUNITY TO DO, the things we learn we actually do.
Is it possible that we have a paralysis of analysis, that we think too much and not do enough?

DISCUSS: What has God called you to do? What is your dream?

A Leadership Case Study: Jessica Jackley and the KIVA Story

2009-08-08T08:19:00.000-07:00

A Leadership Case Study: Jessica Jackley and the KIVA Story
Jessica Jackley (Interview with Jim Mellado)

- We believe in the value of co creation, informational diversity.
- “Is herding cats a bad thing?”
- We say no to things against our mission even if they seem good.
- Great poets don’t show, they tell.
- “ I hope that fear doesn’t prevent us from staying nimble”
- Don’t be afraid to start small, to focus and serve one community very well
- A dream team includes vets and younger people. Vets should allow the younger people to name the challenges and even more, define the solutions.

These interviews with people who are doing it, have become a highlight for me each year. Absolutely loved Jessica's enthusiasm, focus, and what she and her team are doing. Here's a clip about KIVA in case you dont know about them.

Leading People to the Prodigal God - Tim Keller

2009-08-08T08:15:00.001-07:00

Leading People to the Prodigal God
Tim Keller

Is your church known for their compassion in their community?
The church today is full of spiritual deadness, a lack of spiritual vitality.

This is one of those sessions where something you've always heard, takes on new meaning and life. It added a new term and understanding to our tribal language. The "elder brother" I can't begin to do it justice trying to unpack it here, but highly recommend that you read the book or get introduced to the dialogue here.

Reading List: The Prodigal God- Tim Keller

Manage Differently Now - Gary Hamel

2009-08-08T08:10:00.000-07:00

Is the church changing as fast as the world around us?

How do we become the enemy of entropy?
1- Overcome the temptation to take refuge in denial. Face the facts. The future generally isn’t unknown as much as it is distasteful. Question your beliefs/practices about how we do church. Listen to the renegades to positive deviants.
2- Cultivate new thinking- generate more strategic options, new ideas. “The job of every leader is to make change look more exciting than status quo.” DISCUSS: What should we do next as a team? How can we increase our impact?
3- Deconstruct what we already do.

DISCUSS: What are our orthodoxies as a church? What are my personal leadership ones? Look at what we do which hasn’t changed in 3-5 years. Is it commanded by God? Do we do it because we’ve decided it’s the right/best thing to do? Ideas, i.e. open source the sermon in advance, include more discussion vs. lecture in a message.

“The longer you are in the trench, the more you can mistake the edge of your rut for the horizon.”

The mental model depreciates faster than the authority to change things. This can hold institutes ability to change hostage to their own desire NOT to change. WE must build organizations which can thrive without superhumans at the top, a culture where we innovate all the time, not fight bureaucracy all the time.

Consider GOREtex. Anyone can say no to any request at any time. At the end of the year each person is reviewed by a large number of fellow employees regarding how much value they have added to the team this year. Less envision, plan, control, more mobilization connect, support. Some companies today have online public, rate your boss, your bosses boss. In this new world authority comes from value added rather than a natural hierarchy of leadership.

“Most the facebook generation don’t want to work at a fortune 500 company or worship in a church that feels like one.”

“The problem with organized religion in most cases is the organization, not the religion.” Book: The future of management.

Reading List: The Future of Management - Gary Hamel

Hiring, Firing and Board Meltdowns

2009-08-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

Hiring, Firing, and Board Meltdowns(videocast)
Bill Hybels, Patrick Lencioni, Henry Cloud, David Ireland, Carly Fiorina

- When hiring. Cultural fit matters. What 2-3 behavioral things are high value on your team? Be clear about competencies
- Spend extended time out of the interview environment with a candidate, take them shopping. Ask what would others say about you? Ask the same question three times over the course of an interview. Ask how do you like to be managed? How will you challenge us? How will that affect our team? Ask questions about their answers. Have substantive conversations up front about why we are hiring, what we hope to accomplish by this role. Trust the process.
- A leadership team (board) should establish their own sets of values, behaviors, covenants at a retreat setting, not in their board meetings. The ongoing meetings are for making decisions. Conclude meetings with checking in to see how the team did keeping the established guidelines they’ve agreed to. One presenter suggested that people on “the board” need to have influence, affluence and a specific skill. How does the affluence trait transfer to leadership teams vs. boards. There should be term limits to balance new life with experience and to prevent leader exhaustion.
- There’s a balance in the team around the table. The team should include all the necessary ingredients but not duplication. But, there should be some level of immunity to cover when needed if someone is “sick” or missing.
- When a team member is underperforming we should consider the following before letting them go. Retraining, Repositioning, Retiring. Consider working with an A, B, C system, this can give clarity but the grading cannot replace ongoing communication. “The kindest form of management is the truth”
- Consider having two people involved with evaluation of staff to ensure that a fuller picture is presented to the person.

Leading in a New Reality- Bill Hybels

2009-08-08T08:03:00.001-07:00

Think about the challenge you face as an external environment you’re leading in. The challenge is external to your internal reality. - Jim's opening

Leading In a New Reality
Bill Hybels
- Dispassionate decision making. There’s a good goal
- Storms require constant action
- How can we be MORE of the church to one another during a storm?
- On Sunday, minister to people before they leave again to face their challenges. Our services should be “all killer, no filler”
- Wise financial management in the church IS critical- when storms (rogue waves) hit, cash reserves give leaders what they need, which is time.

DISCUSS: Rate existing activities and ministry programs in A, B, & C buckets. C = what would we stop doing first. A= what would we NEVER stop doing.

- In a financial downturn people ARE hungry to hear about God’s way of money management. Is Sunset doing enough?
- Do I believe that God is capable of doing great things in our day. Hab 3:2

How did God do great things in history?
People totally yielded to Him; Are we attracting them, hiring them, creating an environment where they thrive? Mentoring them to their full potential, are we having honest conversations with those on our team who are less than totally yielded.

DISCUSS: How many critical seats are there on our team? How many of those seats are filled with the right people who are fired up and gifted. What is our plan for filling other seats. Are we developing a back up for each seat. Do this exercise on your team every six months.

- How am I doing personally? Is my life sustainable? Do I have an adequate replenishment strategy? Romans 8:6. Would I describe my life as full of life and peace?

DISCUSS: How full is your bucket? What fills it? What drains it? Good self leadership means reinventing adequate replenishment strategies for new realities.

The best thing I bring to ministry leadership is a full bucket, full of optimism in God.

Leadership Summit 09

2009-08-08T07:39:00.000-07:00

The past two days I attended the Leadership Summit. Most of you know that this event has been formative in my ministry life and that I look forward to it every year. This year our church decided not to be a host site for the Summit. This was deeply disappointing to me originally but we worked through it and some other possibilities came my way, which couldn't have happened if I was producing it on site.

Originally i had planned to travel to Chicago for the week of the Summit, to be in the room, part of the Global Summit meetings and to meet with the team from Belgium where I will serve this fall, but after some thought and prayer I decided instead to stay home with our team and to attend at the Portland site, East Hill, in Gresham.

There were definitely a couple of moments where I wished I was "in the room" in Chicago- the opening, during Wess Stafford's talk... but overall I believe I made the best choice, to stay home- to attend with our team and hopefully move forward in to the next season of ministry together with this shared challenge and experience.

I have little/no idea how to put my thoughts/learnings together but will post them here in case any of you are interested.
You CAN purchase your own copy of the Team Edition of the Summit DVDS here. Before ordering check with your church- you may be a WCA church and can receive the discount.

DC TrIp

2009-07-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

When I traveled to Honduras last fall, many people asked me about DC and NYC. This got me curious, how people from outside the States were excited to have visited, of all places, Washington DC. So, when Chris got his summer internship with the NSA we planned a trip there for Michael and I. Our Pastor Ron, connected us with rather interesting housing (we stayed at Steve Largent, former NFL star and Senator)so we only had to cover the flight expenses.

Last weekend we traveled to DC. It was wonderful to visit with him, to hear about his summer adventure and learnings and to get to hang out with his Rice "family" two of which, Patrick and Evangeline, are also in DC for the summer, and Allison who was visiting for the weekend. The trip to DC was very powerful. I haven't been before, to my knowledge- though my parents took us lots of places when I was tiny. And, if I am honest, I have often struggled with the concept of patriotism. My God sees no borders, no race. I was raised on the West Coast, where most our American history was in books, unless we were panning for gold. Sadly, much of my American history came from Johnny Tremain and an exhibit with Lincoln at Disneyland.

I come away from the trip with a much deeper understanding and respect for the leadership which formed our country, for the courage, the energy, the life that went in to so many decisions, with a much greater sense of how a person can make a difference and how making a difference matters in the quality of life, we lead. I realize now, sadly, how my freedom, bought with blood and heart ache has contributed to my ignorance. I genuinely think that this trip should be a required vigil for Americans.

"Almighty God hath created the mind free. All attempts to influence it by temporal punishments oJefferson Memorialr burthens . . . are a departure from the plan of the Holy Author of our religion . . . No man shall be compelled to frequent or support any religious worship or ministry or shall otherwise suffer on account of his religious opinions or belief, but all men shall be free to profess and by argument to maintain, their opinions in matters of religion. I know but one code of morality for men whether acting singly or collectively." -- quote from the Jefferson memorial

** photos from facebook- hope to replace long term with the full sized images

unscrambling Helene...

2009-07-13T08:24:00.000-07:00

People have been asking me what i take away from my time in Helene.
Here are a few...
My life was too full of noise
Relationship is more important than task
Life is not about high school or your day job
Life is not about what I want
The Word of God is a gift I have ignored way too often
Praying with people, listening to their stories is a privilege and a necessity
I should try everything once
I have more stuff than i need
I like skirts
There is work, and listening and praying to do at home, not just in Helene

Recently rediscovered wordle.net
I put my blogposts in and this image is what it created.

in case you missed this moment

2009-07-08T21:31:00.001-07:00

this was my favorite moment of the Michael Jackson memorial service- John Mayer playing "Human Nature" with background vocals but no lead vocal. I couldn't quite explain why it was so touching to me, but when John was interviewed later on Larry King this is how he explained it.

"the decision to not sing... in a way it was sort of respectfully leaving an absence, sort of the presence of his absence in the tune." - John Mayer

I loved the intentionality of the moment, what existed in the silence, in the space.

Living the Dream

2009-07-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

I remember driving from Salem my first weeks in college and seeing the city of Portland at night, the lights, the water, the Hawthorne and other bridges, I pretty much fell in love.
At some point I decided that for at least a year, when the kids were "out" I wanted to live downtown, use mass transit, shop in the neighborhood etc.
In the meantime, we've spent alot of time in the city- even one spring break. The kids are really comfortable on the max and can find their way around.
So, when our friends Scott and Allie mentioned they were looking for house sitters, I JUMPED on it. This week we're housesitting in the Goose Hollow neighborhood of NW Portland. We're living in a condo, have a beautiful balcony, the max is just outside the front door- it's pretty awesome.

where do you dream of living for a year?

Home

2009-06-29T15:23:00.001-07:00

Molly and I had an amazing trip.
I haven't unpacked it all yet, spiritually, emotionally or physically (my suitcase) yet. :-) I told a friend today I want to keep the warmth going here at home.
The time spent with Molly, watching her connect with kids there, is something I will always remember. She has a tremendous capacity for love and affection and I cannot wait to see what she and God do with it. Thanks for your prayers.

24 June 2009 - Helene

2009-06-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

Church here, reminds me so much of my home church as a child. You are encouraged to share your testimony, a song or some Scripture during the service. Tonight Molly and I shared the following with the island and our team at the midweek service.
Hello church, I am Janet and this is my daughter Molly.
I want to thank your church and the island for our experiences here the past two weeks.
One of the things which stands out to me about our time here is that every time we asked one of our guides or an islander during visitation what we could pray for, they asked us to pray for their unsaved family members. This was the first thing they would mention consistently.

This reminded me of my father who passed away a year ago this week. Tonight Molly and I stand and share together with you as a testimony to his legacy of faith. He fought cancer for over 10 years and when his health got to the point where he had to make a decision between “quantity” of life and “quality” of life he chose quality. I believe he did this because he had lived a full life and knew that all his children and grandchildren knew God as their Savior.

I remember the conversation where we discussed this decision and I asked him maybe for just a little more “quantity” he responded immediately with this. (molly read)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7.

Even though he never traveled to another country to do missions work, he and my mother have faithfully supported mission work around the world and I have felt his presence here so many times on the island, in the way our worship is similar, the humming birds at the clinic and mostly because he was like so many of you, a man and father of faith who served and loved his God, his family, his church and community.

So I want to thank you for your hospitality and witness to us as it has been so good to be here with you all. In closing I want to share some Scripture with this church. In my quiet time on the island I have been reading Paul’s letters to the churches he loved and this one reminded me of this church, which we now love.
We ought always to thank God for you, brothers, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love every one of you has for each other is increasing. Therefore, among God's churches we [will] boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring.
All this is evidence that God's judgment is right, and as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering. [our] God is just: 2 Thessalonians 1:3-6a.

This is likely my last post from the island. Thursday morning is our last day of service projects, then this afternoon we will have market day, watch the final basketball game in the tourney between two island teams, of course J and then begin our goodbyes. Friday morning at 9am we travel to Roatan for a day there before our Saturday flight home.

I look forward to seeing many of you in church Sunday, with my farmers tan and bug bites. Thank you for your prayers while we have been away. Much love, J

23 June 2009

2009-06-29T15:19:00.000-07:00

Last night Scott and Allie led us through an amazing night of celebrating the good and life.
Scott led off by sharing the story of the impact that Scott Resnick had had on his life, and through the celebration of his life at the memorial service. He challenged the kids, well, all of us to be intentional with our lives. To set goals. To trust God. To decide what we will do and what we wont do the rest of this week, this summer, the next year and in our lives. It was a powerful time.

Then, we circled up and did affirmations for half of the group. It gave us the chance to encourage one another in the growth that we have seen this trip and in the relationships which have formed. Lots of tears and laughter.

On the path today Molly and I talked about why we are crying so much... she didn't expect it. I did. Our hearts are tender and open here because of the work we are doing, the time spent in relationship with God and with one another and the lack of distraction of real life demands and pressures.

To my friends who have been here and knew this is what we would find, I thank you for letting it be a suprise. To the rest of you. You must find this kind of journey in your own life.

We are hiking to the cross now...

22 June 2009

2009-06-29T15:18:00.000-07:00

Today we got to choose what service projects we would do for the next two days. The selections were things which we all did last week. I chose to do visitations with Miss Elsa and Mr Jerry and Kids Club on the island. I'm beginning to love the pastoring part of visitations and spending time with our guides. I am not a teacher of small children. This is for sure. Though i do lead a mean game of "Simon Says"

I'm off now to purchase a grape soda for 15 - 20 lempira depending on the store which is open, and then to see the first game of an island basketball tournament. Our gringo team is playing an island team. The 5 best players from the island have been beating us all week, so they have each fielded a team for this week long tournament. That impressed me, that the love of the game, outweighs the need to stack their teams. But rest assured... in the end, the island always wins.

And... today has a glimpse of a dark cloud- we are beginning to count the days until we leave this place and we are sad and worried about the moment we pull away from the dock with the children we have come to love waving goodbye. My prayer is that the emotion of that day, will cement so many of the lessons we have learned, but it will be a wet boat ride out on Friday, that is for sure.

21 June 2009

2009-06-29T15:13:00.000-07:00

A quick update before a shower and bed.
Today we went to church at the Northside church and Mister Larry taught the message. The singing was like singing the sacred harp. Mostly women though. I will never forget singing harmony with the island woman next to me on Amazing Grace.

This afternoon we took a jungle hike. A real. jungle. hike.
I determined i would try everything here once- so i went somewhat reluctantly.
It was truly amazing so see the immensity of God's creation in this way. Unreal.
I was also reminded of the value of intentionality i.e. Disney like tour guide training, which our guides have not received. It was truly an adventure and I'm glad I went. (note- Angel, pictured here, did the hike barefoot)

Now... the team is watching Pirates of the Carribean which looks like it was filmed here. So, watching it with the island kids in the center of the jungle is something I will not soon forget.
Dreaming of captain jack sparrow.... night all.

20 June 2009

2009-06-29T15:10:00.000-07:00

I snorkel, therefore I am…
Oh and we saw dolpins too…

This was all I was going to write.

But, there is so much more.
Last night we had care groups and as the girls talked I began to unpack some of what is going on in me here. What God is teaching me about priorities through the richness we’ve found here on the island.

The beauty of the way they value relationships. Always a greeting on the path, a smile and they seem to crave a conversation about where they are going today, what’s for dinner, how they “are” and if they are believers, how God is good. So often at home, I am busy- multi-task my way through a conversation, fail to be present.

The next is still not worked out. Thursday night we hosted the Youth Praise service. Our kids were in charge, but we needed help from some island musicians. Three men, rehearsed with our vocals, played for the service, they were wonderful. I asked Allie if we could take the offering and give the earnings to these men for their instruments or their church. I felt like I wanted to GIVE THEM SOME MONEY and Allie’s response was that the service itself, the opportunity for them to worship with their gifts, to work with our team, was enough. I also find myself wanting to slip Miss Elsa, the grandmother who takes us all on visitations to the sick/needy, a $20. As if MONEY is the answer to their need. Again, she is ministering to her island and with other believers and that is enough.

Enough.
The lyrics of this song have been swirling ever since our conversations.

You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

Youre my sacrifice
Of greatest price
And still more awesome than I know
Youre the coming King
You are everything
And still more awesome than I know

More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can say
You are more than enough for me

19 June 2009 - Helene

2009-06-29T15:08:00.000-07:00

Is it Friday? Wow. In so many ways it seems like we have lived a lifetime here already. The islanders around the mission have been so welcoming, we feel like we know many of them and are part of this place.

This morning we did (w)visitiations (they don’t pronounce the v) and invited the kids on the island to our VBS camps. We got to walk to new parts of the island which I hadn’t visited before. One is the pond. It is the grimmest place. It’s hard to find words for how deeply grim the physical reality of their living situation is. Just when I had begun to think maybe this was enough for one lifetime, I realized again how much we take for granted in the states. The woman, Marina, whose house floor we put in, lives there now. It feels good to know that we have helped her and the 7 who will live with her move up and out of the Pond.

This afternoon a large group of us headed to the Northside to snorkel. I am physically exhausted and pretty much speechless about the wonder of seeing what is in the ocean. Being a water lover… well, I have no words.

Tonight we are doing the youth praise service. Our kids are ready and I’m really looking forward to seeing how it comes together.

I know I will sleep well tonight!

18 June 2009

2009-06-29T15:05:00.001-07:00

Last nights church service was… memorable, but it’s a story to tell in person. For now, know that island style worship is wonderful. In many ways it reminds me of the Chapel I grew up in where men would share their testimonies at the breaking of bread service each Sunday morning, but with a calypso beat.

Today our team did Clean Sweep on the island. There’s no garbage service on the island and the habit is to throw your trash, well rather to drop it, where you are. This is a pretty nasty task made more pleasant by our guide (nickname) “bye bye” who is full of stories and love for the island and it’s people. He also hooked us up with sugar cane and our first cold beverages since arriving. Pepsi and banana pop. So SWEET and yummy.

We began to talk today about things we miss. Surprisingly to me, I don’t miss my ipod. Occasionally there’s music around us but most of the time we enjoy the sounds of the island; we have the ocean and the breeze, the sound of the kids playing on the porch, people greeting one another on the path and nothing. Molly and I miss family- we think Cub would thrive here because it’s camp on steroids and Abby would not enjoy the heat. Mike would be SO useful because he’s good at the things Molly and I are having to learn as we go.

The afternoon is wrapping up island style, a swim from the dock, an islanders/gringo basketball game, the announcement that we wont be leading Youth Praise tonight because the elders need the church building, so how about game night instead? And church tomorrow night. Sounds Cool Mon’

17 June 2009

2009-06-29T15:01:00.000-07:00

This morning our team led devos in the morning and then headed back to the Habitat house. It was SO very exciting to see the progress other teams had made and to work today and nearly finish the whole floor.

Honestly, today I’ve been learning to relax and take it easy- even when you work. The heat and humidity here are tough. It’s very common it seems, for people to take turns, to take breaks, to watch others work while you rest. Before the trip I was honestly concerned about how our team would do with varying degrees of energy/work ethic etc. But I’m learning… life isn’t just about getting a task done. I know. That’s enough disclosure for today.

I’m excited to be working with a team of students to program and produce a Young People’s service tomorrow. And, tonight we’ll attend a midweek service at the Pentecostal church near us. I’m very excited for worship tonight and to see how the students react. We’ve been encouraged to share a testimony, so have spent the day thinking about what all of ours might be. Everyone has one… even you! What would you share?

16 June 2009 - Helene

2009-06-29T15:00:00.001-07:00

Today was really about more integration with the islanders. We are learning names and they are learning ours. It’s nice to be remembered. One of them, Stef (pictured with Kait and I) gives everyone nicknames. He calls Mark “slim” Tyler “big man” Kait “small eyes” Kelly “Cinderella’ and me… well he called me “fat girl” J which I then shared was not an ok word for whities and so he changed it to green eyes. I think the sun was affecting him. J

Today our Green team ran sports camps. In the morning, we walked along the path through the villages and Ewings, our guide, and quite possible the coolest person any of us have ever met, would shout out to everyone he saw on the street and in to houses that we were playing soccer at the sand lot soon. 3 of our kids are soccer players. 1 boy and I are not soccer players. I dated soccer players- but that doesn’t really count, now does it?
The girls hung in for a while, but this was a man’s game. Mark Franklin played the whole time, with a grin on his face. He was in his element.
After lunch we went back out for more sports camps and this time around it was basketball. Again, Mark shined. Kait and I hung out with a couple of little kids most of the afternoon. We had some great discussions with people here today- about their lives, the differences, even why we do so much of what we do.

This morning Larry, the mission director asked us to really consider/challenge our culture while we are here. The kids and I are beginning these conversations… what we live for, how we define success. Would love your prayers as I navigate these conversations as a adult friend vs. a “mom” and today I saw Tyler really taking some time with one of the young men on the island. Pray for him too as he shares his faith and encourages this young man.

June 15 2009 Helene

2009-06-29T14:57:00.000-07:00

So hard to know where to start today… it’s our first full day here.
I woke up well rested and sweating already and in Honduras. Wow.
Today felt a little like Survivor.
My team of kids was paired with another team and our morning job was to haul construction materials through the jungle path to a house where we would begin installing a floor in a new home.
Our guide is an island teen named Hormand. A way down the road we encountered a challenge. The path is washed out in a deep ravine and there are two logs stretched across, so we had to figure out how to get all the lumber, a ladder and a wheelbarrow full of tools across. The kids problem solved, worked together and got most of the stuff across before David, The Alternative Missions construction project manager found us and said, “Hormand, why did you go THIS way??” and off he and I went with the wheelbarrow along a path with slightly less challenges.
After lunch we tore down a wall in a bunk house so that it could be converted to a classroom.
Amidst iguanas and swimming off the pier and meeting too many people to remember names today, the thing which sticks out for me is a better understanding of the Christian buzzword “missional.” Everything here is missional. Completing tasks is missional. Being warm and friendly and genuinely interested in people is missional. Telling your own story is missional. Throwing a game night for the islanders is missional. So, I am off now to lose big, i imagine, at dominoes with the islanders.

14 June 2009 Helene

2009-06-14T20:21:00.000-07:00

It’s been 20 hours since we arrived at PDX for our trip to Helene, Honduras.
I didn’t bring my photo card reader, so may not have pics until we return home- so sad.
With grad night overnight Saturday and traveling all day I am having some trouble putting thoughts together.
Here are a few.

Our leaders, Allie and Scott Roth really have done a beautiful job of preparing us for the trip. There have been no unsettling surprises yet- though we did have an interesting landing in Helene. All’s well that ends well. And, it's been amazing to see our team leader, Allie, interacting with kids she has built relationship with over 5 trips here.

Many of our kids arrived tired … but I have witnessed such an honest caring and knowing between them already.

It feels like we have eaten all day. In Houston (4am Portland time) on the plane from Houston to Helene, first stop in Helene Bojangles chicken (SO good!) then to Helene via windy road nice bus and boat ride and a huge spaghetti dinner.

Some of the team left after dinner tonight to walk to the North side church on the island to attend a revival. It was difficult to stay behind but I’ve had about 4 hours sleep in 2 nights, so am pacing myself for what is to come the next couple of weeks.

I’ve been able to have some conversations with a few of the kids today- getting to know them better. This is very exciting to me. I am being deliberate about where I sit and what I say and am committed to coming home knowing them better, and to them knowing another adult cares about them, uniquely.

The water… is beautiful and warm and there are coral reefs and I cannot wait to swim tomorrow.

It is interesting to see how much of ministry, everywhere, is really about the complexity of people and how we much things up when left to our own devices. I am enjoying hearing the stories from the Alternative Missions team here- there is a commonality to what we have to do, while we are doing what we are called to do.

It's 9pm here, the kids are wrapping up playing with the island kids- they are wicked at Uno... this is an amazing place to be- we have much to learn about God, his design and ourselves.

Had to make the difficult decision of staying home tonight, rather than walking through the jungle to a revival meeting. Several people DID go and I look forward to hearing their stories tomorrow. I am just too in need of beauty sleep- so will put everyone to bed now and prepare for tomorrow. time to hang nets, look for stars through tropical rain.
Much love friends and family- we covet your prayers for safety, for growth and for impact. J

Molly's Graduation

2009-06-13T09:35:00.001-07:00

She did it! Last night was Molly's graduation from Westview.
Two thoughts.
What a strange tradition... in a world where there are few. The gowns, the hats, walking, the whole bit. Felt a little like the Twilight Zone.

Molly's plans... She has decided not to go away to a University this fall and to spend some time exploring what she's interested in (which is not collegiate academics) and I could not be MORE excited for her. I have always admired her strength and she is being consistent in not taking the path of most her friends and finding her own way.
So unbelievably excited, and of course, it doesn't hurt to know she'll be closer to home, for a least a little while longer!

my estate

2009-06-11T08:20:00.000-07:00

"My friends (and family) are my estate."
- Emily Dickinson

So… let’s face it, I am a doer…

I believe that something “magical” happens when people figure out what God designed them to do, and they do it.
I’m not really a dreamer… I prefer this role, “when you all have a plan tell me and I’ll figure out how to make it happen."
I’m not the girl who has unlocked the value of silence and solitude. Puhleez.
I think God likes me more when I’m serving. I realize this is stupid and me and Barb Feil are working this one out.
I’m not funny on demand.
Or the friend you call when you just need someone to talk to because I am a verbal processor (prefer this to interrupter).
But… in my life recently there are few friends who God is using to round me out, to teach me the value of presence.
This is a good thing.

Except I leave day after tomorrow for two weeks and I am really struggling to resolve how I am going to be away from them, those pictured and others.
I really don’t like the thought of not BEing with them.
This is new for me.
I have lived a life of shallow and transient relationships, but the older I get and the older my children are, I am changing.
Thank God.
Even when it hurts.
If I was still in DO mode I could have things lined up, people in place, stuff surrounding them to hold them up, money left for meals and emergencies and have felt good about going.
But that is no longer the case.
Even as I look forward to the next two weeks, I am heavy hearted to be going- to be leaving my estate.

My Birthday Gift

2009-05-24T17:53:00.000-07:00

I will never forget my 44th birthday.
Because why?
Because of where it was spent and the gift I received.

This weekend we lost a dear family friend.
Scott leaves, for now, his wife and 4 kids who we adore.

Yesterday I spent the day at their home, crying, hugging, receiving kisses, listening to the sound of grief, shopping, doing laundry and getting my butt kicked playing “around the world” over and over again.
I could fill a scrapbook with the things I witnessed yesterday.

What comes to mind first is the brutal beauty of a broken heart.
The fingerprints of a father on his children.
Friendship that is like family.

But this post is about today and the gift I received from my home church family.
Because I work at our church, I rarely get to come to church.
But today- was special. I had very few responsibilities in the morning and was able to be in church, rather than work.

I want to remember the moments, the glimpses of love that I saw today… so I’m scribing them here.

Tres, sitting in the sanctuary when I arrived.
Regina singing Revelation Song in the warm-up (I came undone).
William standing with his arm around Ben during the service, instead of at his kit.
Jay’s tribute to Holly’s faith and declaring for all of us… that “it is well with my soul.” His conviction made me believe it could be true.
Barbara throwing out her message and used the Word to help me understand the beauty of my design as a Martha” and that Jesus loves Martha/Janet.
The comfort washing over me of Bob’s voice on Rescue
Being hugged by the 2/3 of the Schroeder women
The way the crew served with excellence and I had absolutely nothing to worry or think about.
Kathy proactively switching gears on message graphics.
Travis’ constant encouragement and desire to give me a much needed break.
Laura sitting in the eleventh hour and then back to lead the 5pm, sitting on the edge of the stage- talking to our church family.
Carolyn and Dania without training wheels.
Looking around the room from a normal seat- seeing so many dear friends.
Knowing. Knowing the band was playing hurting.
What a gift.
What an amazing gift to be ministered to, to be reminded that God is sovereign, that He loved us more even than we love Holly and the kids, that I was in a sanctuary where I could just be… sobbing through worship, holding on tightly to my family, and to be affirmed and challenged how we can get up tomorrow and in turn minister to Holly and the kids.

So to my dear church family- thank you so much for what will likely be my new answer to the best gift I’ve ever received. The church being the church.

This I Believe: Different Kids, Different Stuff

2009-05-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

This morning I shared a "This I Believe" statement on motherhood.
It was a very interesting experience... coming up with "one", writing, rewriting, wondering if it was true of me and hoping it wasn't too late for it to continue to be more and more true.

In rehearsal this morning I thought my reading was very dry so I asked if we could have live music underscore and Chris and Marshall played. Something very tender about having your kid play, while you talk about parenting him and his sisters, who at the eleventh hour service were also in the room.

Here's the script:

As a mother I believe, "Different kids, different stuff" Different opportunites, different expectations, different communication styles even, different… curfews.

Ephesians 2:10 “For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

I believe this is true not just of adults, but of our children. We are each God’s workmanship, literally a thing of God’s making, and that's why I say, “Different kids, different stuff”

We have three very different kids. I can only explain it as God's intent and design that the same set of genes produced three remarkably different kids.
In our culture, we’re programmed to channel our children to pursue sports, music, education, and financial success. But I believe, as a follower of Christ, my greatest encouragement to my kids should come when they pursue God and the use of their spiritual gifts to do the good works which God has prepared for them to do, in our home that’s mercy, administration, teaching, communication and service.

This has challenged me.
I’m sure this never happens to you, but in our home when a child succeeds I can feel pretty proud as a parent, as if I have anything really to do with it. But, what we may really be experiencing in their achievements is God’s touch on them when they serve Him as they are designed.

His design intended for His purpose, for which He should receive praise.

I believe that one of my greatest responsibilities as a parent, a mother, is making sure the discovery of God’s design for them is high on our family radar. Parenting them to explore opportunities which create natural and unique pathways toward what God may have in mind for them, rather than toward our own glory or even theirs.

Happy Mother’s Day

Beauty in the Broken

2009-04-23T09:02:00.000-07:00

I love love and I love kindness and I wish the churches would emphasize kindness to everybody.-- Rowan LeCompte

I love stained glass windows. Always have. One of my most prized possessions is a stained glass piece my father made. I remember selecting glass with him, our family room taken over for a season by a ping pong table repurposed for his "art", i remember him teaching me to cut, the smell of the melting came (lead). I love the concept of broken pieces coming together and becoming something beautiful when light shines through them. Love love love that.

Easter morning I heard an interview with Rowan LeCompte whose work have been on display in the stained glass windows of the Washington National Cathedral for more than half a century. This interview has stuck with me. I can't shake the sound of his voice, the way he experiences life, what is there and what is missing. It made me feel deeply, joy, beauty and sadness. If you have 9 minutes check it out here.

Where nature may heal...

2009-04-22T07:28:00.000-07:00

This weekend we went to the beach.
For a girl who has always lived within an hour of the beach, that seems like the most ordinary statement.
But, in fact, this would be a better expression of our experience.

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul. - John Muir

When we arrived to the beach house, to the wall of windows facing the grass, sand and water,even the Adirondack chair on the bluff, I was stunned by the beauty of it. Near speechless for quite some time. I decided, in that moment, to turn off what has become routine for me- noise, problem solving, routine and technology and just to BE in the moment, each moment of our time there. It was so healing and restorative to my soul that words seem trite- so i'll share some pictures and encourage each of you to get away to some place soon where nature may heal.

Riley on the path
the beauty, complexity and individuality of our children's faces
JOY! Riley and Abby
diamonds and Kiehl, Riley and Abby

Guest writer

2009-04-13T13:51:00.000-07:00

So, haven't blogged for a while... rough few weeks emotionally dealing with "stuff" and losses at work and oh yeah, Holy Week and Easter had me pretty busy. I did pull together a guest post on a friends blog. The post is about my kids growing up and includes a ridiculous picture of me if that's interesting to you, check it out here.

the end of an era...

2009-04-04T11:31:00.000-07:00

Last week Molly was in Anaheim for 5 days competing at the USA cheer nationals. Here's a clip of their competition. The team placed fourth in the nation in their division.
This ends Molly's 10 years of cheering. Hard to believe.

Senior Moments

2009-03-20T07:29:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was Molly's last day of cheer practice, ever. It's the first of her lasts, as a senior, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. More than our other kids, Molly has been independent when it comes to her extra-curriculur activites- she's been cheering for 10 years, had great coaches and community there, she's worked HARD, learned what it means to be part of a team and a successful one, at that. 3 state champs during her 3years on varsity.Congratulations Molly!
Next week she travels to Nationals in Anaheim (aka Disneyland!) Go Cats!!

invisible

2009-03-19T07:24:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I attended Sunset's Men's Retreat.
Ya, I know, I'm a girl and it's a Men's Retreat.
When I heard they booked Don Miller for the Sunset Men's Retreat I began to wonder how I could wear a baseball cap, go incognito and get in.
As it turns out, the Senior mission trip team served in the dining hall at the Retreat so I had a free pass to attend. The weekend, at a glance, was perfect for an extroverted girl who loves camp, serving and oh Donald Miller's writing.
In the end, the weekend has rocked my world in a few ways.
First, I absolutely loved serving with the Seniors. I have limited High School ministry experience outside of my own kids and peripheral connection to the worship team kids and I love this age group of kid. The adult leaders i am serving with are awesome and I look forward to getting to know them and forming as a team.
I feel a tremendous responsibility to dive in and give this my all, the best part of me. They deserve it and they seem open to having me around. I absolutely believe that each of us will be changed as a result of giving ourselves to Him in service the next few months and in June in Helene.

Then there's the more difficult stuff... God and I have been talking alot since Sunday about my identity in Him. You see, I have lived a life comfortable with the notion that I live/work/serve in the shadows. At least I thought so. I serve behind the scenes, I try not to draw attention to myself (too often), i hide behind the notion that I'm a great second, and not an out front leader, it even translates to how i dress and dont doll up much or often. I thought I could go to Retreat and honestly be invisible there. It was, in fact, one of the ways that I justified being a woman at Retreat. In reality, as time went by there I realized that I know more men than I would women at a Women's Retreat. I live in a man's world. I lead a team of men. So I was not invisible. And, it made me uncomfortable at times. I tried to lean in to it, use it as energy to power serving, but I wondered about the women at home who would have liked to hear Don, but couldn't come- was I betraying a sisterhood?
When I got home, a friend told me straight up that it wasn't cool that there were women in the room/at retreat. On the one hand, that's a no brainer- he was right. On the other,it stung- it's still stinging.
I had had such a wonderful experience during the weekend, pretty naive of the fact that I could be intruding. The notion of invisible was easier to deal with because I got what I wanted without responsibility for the whole. Not very proud of that.
And, this has me thinking about why I am so comfortable with this invisible self-image. It's comfortable there. I don't have to take on too much responsibility, be open to too much criticism, and maybe that I can get/do what I want without so many restraints on my actions because no one is really paying attention to me. I'm challenged that this really isn't how God wants me living.

For a moment I was almost a normal person...

2009-03-06T08:15:00.001-08:00

This week our church announced budget cuts, reductions in hours and layoffs.
The past couple of weeks as I have thought through every scenario... if this person goes, it means... if that person goes it means... the things you would imagine.

But,if I am honest, for a moment, here and there, I also allowed myself to wonder if I was laid off (which I wasn't) where would I go to church?
Now for most people... this is probably not such a big deal,normal people get to do this all the time... but not church staff people,at least not me. This particular idea... it's not something i have really even allowed myself to wrestle with since coming to church at Sunset nearly 10 years ago.

When we first came to Sunset, it was to find a place where our kids would plug in, I joke that i didn't like the Pastor's robe and reading from the transcript communication style, the first Sunday... he taught on worship and how we aren't gathering together to critique the show or the message. I was challenged and hit square between the eyes. I didn't plug in immediately but man, i cried in worship... regularly. The Spirit was alive and moving in me when I was worshipping there. It was unlike anything I had experienced before and our family then, dug in.

We dug in to ministry, Mike first, playing for student ministry, our kids plugged in to Children's and Student ministry and then finally i began to sing in the choir. Reluctantly.

During that time I was working through a challenge and honestly felt like I had no potential for ministry, I originally spent the first bit of time feeling very lonely and private in my worship life and the juxtaposition of sitting in a large church was chaotic for me. Then, God rescued me by restoring me through the ministry of the church at Sunset. As i dove in to ministry more, by volunteering in the office, and then eventually taking a staff position as an admin I felt God's work and direction in my life in a way I had not felt before. I was submitting and surrendering to His will and he was challenging me and allowing me to use my gifts in a way that I could see made a difference, had impact and brought me to life.
Our family continued to grow in their faith and had opportunities to serve at Sunset. As a family, student ministries and camp is a dear part of the Fraser story, individually the relationships that I have built, the way I have been both challenged and released to grow, allowed to fail and given the opportunity to have impact through my work at Sunset. priceless.

So, as I imagined being laid off and wrestling with the question of would Sunset continue to be our church I realized, again, that for me... church is about being in a community where I can be challenged to grow to be more like Jesus and can be positioned to have an impact for him. So as I released my grip on my job, fell in love again with the opportunity to serve him at Sunset, the word came that I am still here. And... as difficult and challenging as the past few weeks have been, I am sincerely grateful for the journey and the opportunity to continue to serve him in this community.

I am a fighter, not just a lover

2009-02-27T09:17:00.000-08:00

Next week our church will announce new budget cuts and layoffs. We will lay off highly capable and valued staff. For me this has been a very emotional reality to come to terms with and I am trying very hard to let God form and transform me as I process through feelings of frustration, loss and helplessness.

There are the things one would expect.
A great feeling of loss because I know our team, our work family will be affected.
There is fear for my own job since Michael is not working and also knowing each person on our team so well, some level of understanding for how they will be affected if they are chosen for the lay off.

There’s wondering how to manage more with less-
There was a great history of this expression on NPR yesterday- the audio is here
Am I up to the task?
Will I have the chance to be up to the task?
Is it better to go or to stay?

If I stay, can I stay healthy and balanced in the midst of increased workload and pastoral/leadership needs. The reality is that when crises happens more listening is required and being a task oriented person, my instinct is to put my head down, figure out how to maneuver a challenge and put my own emotions and others aside. How can I love well those who are leaving and those who are left?
Even this week, seeing how differently we all deal with the stress has left me worried about how I will handle the announcements as part of a whole, and not just as an individual.

And, there is dusting off what I know to be true… that God is in the midst of these decisions, and it’s part of how he renews and grows his church, through dispersing us. But I find myself not having the heart to authentically summon up those convictions- maybe tomorrow.

Today, the piece that I am struggling the most with is this feeling that I am removed from the decisions. This is not about the process or the people- I know that the difficult decisions will be carefully and prayerfully made, but it is driving me NUTS not to be able to get in the room with the decision makers and let them know what I know, what I think, to be heard. It’s a feeling of utter helplessness. I am a fighter, not just a lover, and I want to fight for the things and people I believe in.
I feel helpless.
Is this my leadership gifting at work? the mother bear in me?
these seem good on the surface…
This is where God and I have been doing a lot of talking the past couple of days.

I am beginning to realize that this feeling, this wanting to be in a driver seat, to be heard, that if I could get in there and fight… there’s a lot of pride in it.

So, I am working on approaching all of this with a genuine humility and submission as a part of a team that will be hurting next week, to love them through it, to respect everyone involved from the decision makers to the most deeply affected, to not be an individual, but to be in it and with those around me.

The Next Adventure

2009-02-21T17:47:00.001-08:00

Molly decided to go on the Senior Mission Trip with our church this year. They are going to Helene Honduras for 2 weeks in June and I was invited (after making it very clear I was interested) to join the team too. I'll chronicle our trip here... of course.

I know next to nothing about what I've committed to but I am incredibly excited to:
1- do this kind of cross-cultural missions
2- return to Honduras
3- join Molly on this amazing opportunity to serve and grow

Tomorrow night is our first meeting, to see who the kids are... connect with the other adults who are on the trip and begin to get our heads around the info and hearts in the game.

Here's some info on alternative missions the agency we serve with.

Interested?

2009-02-21T15:16:00.001-08:00

There are three classes of people: those who see. Those who see when they are shown. Those who do not see. - Leonardo DaVinci

So, you know how people have a country that you'd love to visit... mine is Italy.
It's a total dream... not likely a reality... but a girl can dream... right?

Today, on a quest for the art of Italy, I did the next best thing? and went to a traveling Leonardo Divinci exhibit at OMSI our Science Museum.

Some quotes from the day...

"Though human ingenuity in various inventions uses different instruments for the same end it will never discover an invention more beautiful, easier, or more economical than nature's, because in her inventions nothing is wanting and nothing
is superfluous."

I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.

Who knew Yoda was quoting DaVinci?

Art is never finished, only abandoned.

He worked on the Mona Lisa for 16 years and was still not done reworking the piece when he died.

Where the spirit does not work with the hand there is no art.

Some part of me intuitively knows this... yet convicting, none the less.

The poet ranks far below the painter in the representation of visible things, and far below the musician in that of invisible things.

Things I now/know love about Leonardo DaVinci
1- he was an avid journaler; i have a book I scribble in though i doubt it will end up in a science museum

2- he was interested in so many things... a life long learner... i really admire this quality. On one of the exhibit posters was this line...

"Leonardo remained interested"

I think that would be a nice thing to be remembered for. I worry about getting set in my ways, about becoming dull or numb.

3- he thought he was clever by creating his own little language of writing things backward. that basically cracks me up or should i say... pu em skcarc yllacibas

Recalibrating Conference

2009-02-05T08:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday a few of us from Sunset attended the "Recalibrating Concepts of Church" Seminar at George Fox college. It's part of their Ministry in Contemporary Culture Series. I decided to go because I'm looking for ways to broaden and challenge my thinking on a tight budget.

The panel was:
Len Sweet, So Beautiful: Divine Design for Life in the Church (due out in March) MaryKate Morse, author of Making Room for Leadership: Power, Space and Influence Frank Viola, author of Reimagining Church
Alan Hirsch, author of Reactivating the Missional Church
Dan Kimball, author of They Like Jesus but Not the Church

I was challenged and my thinking was broadened, both personally and from a ministry emphasis perspective. The conference began with this line in the opening prayer... "gather to think about how to serve you better" seemed like a good way to spend 4 hours.

Here are some notes. Agree or disagree it's what I heard.
If you're interested check back here in a week or so, as they were hoping to podcast the seminar and I'll add the link.

Dan Kimball
- so much of "church" is a created subcultrue bubble vs. a mission engaged in the culture
- the longer we are Christians the less we hang out with non- Christians.

15 But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect. 1 Peter 3:15

This Scripture assumes we'd actually be hanging out with people who would want to know the reason for the hope we have.
- think of my community as a mission field, does our church reflect the values and people in our community. We must be faithful to Scripture but there is freedom in form.
- We must be the church and stop thinking of church as the building we go to.
- People should serve on the mission according to their giftedness
- Paid staff whould be equippers, coordinators
- the building is a missional training center and should become part of the city/community
- there is a heaven and a hell; don't forget the urgency of the mission
** i love Dan Kimball, so much of his version of how we can be the church resonates with me, it's mostly a session of me nodding my head yes.

Frank Viola
- we must see the theology of church as a living organism rather than an institutionaal organization
- organic church life comes from another realm (spiritual) it began with in the fellowship of the trinity and should be reflected in our church life
- God did not originally create us to save us, church is not a voluntary club for the saved, Genesis 1, 2 God reated humans not to save them but for them to be in his eternal purpose. Read the Scripture, why were we created?
- God is not centered on meeting the needs of human beings , we have a God with an eternal purpose which is not about us, it is beyond our need
- the impulse to bring a lost person to Christ is correct but now complete. Salvation is not everything, it is the beginning.
- Church meetings should be about expressing God's manifold wisdom, expressing the glory and riches of the Lord's headship of the church
- if you give people a revelation of Jesus Christ you won't need to tell people to love one another, they will fall in love with Jesus, they will share him naturally.
- we must contextuallize the Gospel in all cultures to fully understand God.
- If Christians come together around Jesus alone it is supernatural. How can we do more of this in our gatherings.
** he was passionate, challenging. Communicated things and in ways I'm not used to and I know he would like that.

Mary Kate Morse
She discussed some myths of power in ministry and relationships.
As you read them remember these are NOT true
1- Leadership is embodied in a person who influences a group.
Actually leadership is not just something that one person brings to a room, the group is involved in the process, allowing themselves to be influenced.
2- Power is corrupting and contrary to serving
Actually power is neutral, it's the ability to cause of prevent change. How do I use it? as a leader and a follower? There is a stewardship issue in both positions.
3- There's plenty of power to go around
Actually power is not an unlimited resource. As a group we should discuss how we will use what is available to us, how we can make sure everyone plays, creates, brings their part to the beauty and flavor of our influence.

Advice to leaders who talk alot (me)
dont talk until 3 others have shared their input
then talk for no more than 2 minutes
then wait for 2 others to share
** i loved her content, understand her. what she said totally resonated with me. I'm buying her book.

(Len Sweet, i think, interjected during discussion time) The Jewish concept of holiness was seperation from impurity. jesus flipped that. He went to the leper and touched the unclean. As disciples of Christ we must touch the impure.

and in here in the dust and dirt, o here
the lilies of his love appear
excerpt from the Revival, Henry Vaughan

Alan Hirsch
We must not reFORM the church, we must reFOUND the church
Refound: recover the ethos, the utter centrality of the whole phenomenom of Jesus as the Founder of the church.
- we get our mission from our Lord and then out of that the church must express it in our culture
- we must plant the gospel and let the church grow up around it.
- we must reJesus the church
- Christiology (defined as knowing and being like Jesus) lies at the heart of the renewal of the local church
1. Jesus defines our understanding of God. God is Christlike
2. Jesus sets the agenda for and gives the example/model of discipleship
evangelicals camp out at the cross, the resurrection. healthy Christians ave to engage with the narratives of Jesus. The teachings of Jesus must be normative
3. Jesus lights the way to be the church.
Christianity minus Christ equals Religion
4. Jesus sets and defines our mission
he was a sending God and a darn good missionary, we must rediscover Jesus' style of holiness (reference earlier by Len)
5. Jesus sets the agenda and model for ministry.
Trust the Lord to change people. Our job as priests is to introduce people to Jesus.
** needed the reminder and challenge to know Christ's teachings more, to be more like him.

Len Sweet
God is up to something. Do we know Jesus well enough to recognize what he is doing?
The church must have an interface with the google world.
He mentioned a church consultant who asks churches this question. "What year is it here?"
The devil wants to do ministry in 2009 and no one is more EPIC than the enemy.
God is rebooting the operating system
** Len Sweet did a Sunset staff training years ago when I was cutting my teeth in church ministry. I like acronyms because they quantify thoughts. It was good to be reminded of these things... i love the discussion regarding what year is it here? Why do we gather, who and what is it for? I think this is a big tension in my church and others.

I found a pretty good explanation of Len's acronmyns online here (page 6)
E – Experiential. It is not just about listening and thinking,
but the idea of “let’s enter into worship as an experience.” An
increased emphasis on the senses, so emerging churches actually
seem kind of ancient. . . they are rediscovering liturgical
practices such as candles, incense and Communion.
P – Participatory. The idea that worship is not just something
you observe, like watching television. You really participate.
For example, an important part of worship might be a period
of about 20 minutes in which there are stations around the
room where people might go to write down a prayer, make
their financial offering, or have Communion.
I – Image-based. The idea here is not just words for the ears,
but an increased emphasis on things you can see. Because of
digital technology you have the capacity to project images,
show artwork, use film and video.
C – Communal. A strong emphasis on community. People are
saying, “We don’t just want to at tend a service and look at the
back of people’s heads.”

Incarnational: That means that Christianity does not go
through time like water in a straw. It passes through cultural
prisms and historical periods, which means that Christianity
is organic. And like with any living thing, in order
for things to stay the same, they have to change. There are
some who think that Christianity is meant to stand in and
for itself as a bounded discourse, impervious to cultural
influences. That’s one reason it took the Vatican 300 years
to come around to heliocentrism: the idea that the sun, not
the ear th, was at the center.
• Missional: Does the church face inward or outward? A
missional church faces outward toward the world, not like a
porcupine stands against its enemies, but like water fills
every container without losing its content. In fact, many in
the emerging church reject the dichotomy between the
church and the world. For too long, churches have faced inward,
offering religion as a benefits package — something
that “meets my needs” or offers good outcomes.
I tell churches to look at their mission statement. Many of
them are no more than self-statements, not mission statements.
This is how you can tell. Is your mission statement
based on how to get people to go into the world, or how to get
more people to come to church? The missional mantra that
people are saying today is this: The church is measured, not
by its seating capacity, but by its
sending capacity.
• Relational: The gospel is all
about the formation of community.
The individualistic “meet my
needs” orientation is seen as antagonistic
to the ministry of Jesus.
The African word ubuntu is often
used, which literally means “It
takes a “we” to make a “me.”
Emerging churches are discovering
the “we” part of “me.”

Jay McKenney, me, Tyler Braun, Barbara Feil (not pictured here Mike Giering)

rowing together

2009-02-04T10:18:00.001-08:00

This morning i arrived at work to one piece of mail in my mailbox. I didn't have to read it to guess what was coming...
I guessed anyway.
An editorial on style or volume in the church, likely not favorable.

Correct.

The article is knowledgeably constructed and actually included a great line

musicians- every one of them, including the singers-- are accompanists to the congregation's praise. - John G Stackhouse Jr.

I liked that...
but this is not a post about style or volume in the church.

This IS a post about communication in the church.

Toward the bottom of the editorial was an ever so delightfully highlighted paragraph which was probably the favorite "jab" of the copier.

It got me to thinking...
Why does a person rip an article out of a magazine, highlight it and put it anonymously in the box of anyone they want to make a change?
Who does this?
Even asking that question got me annoyed because my mind wandered to who it might be and now they are guilty without the opportunity to have a dialogue, which takes me back to my point.
Is this really effective communication?

In relationship we develop understanding, sharpen one another, grow together and we can develop the kind of trust required to disagree and support another leaders ability and responsiblity to make and live with the consequences of their choices. This doesn't happen in anonymous highlighted copied notes.
So, let's talk... let's listen and discuss things, at the risk of disagreeing and with respect for one another's roles and responsibilities.
Let's row together, rather than anonymously poking holes in one anothers canoes or stealing oars in the dark of night (you can highlight that line if you like).

the real world

2009-01-31T08:10:00.000-08:00

I've waited a couple days to post this, mostly because the accompanying photo is horrible of me... but the story that surrounds it is something I want to remember, so I"m getting over my double chin and blogging it here.

My friend Julie started a new job this week... and it's been an amazing opportunity for me to watch God at work in and through her.

She's working for a company where most everyone is younger (I wonder sometimes about going back to college, or culinary school and am aware i'd be twice everyone else's age), she is in the real world (vs. ministry world) where people are real, different, all over the place in their spiritual journey and many of them take smoke breaks.

Day two of her job Jay and I were missing her and wanted her to know that we were thinking of her, so we put together a care package, with things to help her fit in at her new job. I'm not telling what all we put in the package but I did buy my first pack of cigarettes that day. As I left my boss/pastor in the car, ran to the counter and said, "can i have your cheapest package of cigarettes?" I realized I must have looked like a real strung out smoker... :-)

In my life, I'm mostly hanging out with believers, and this week I've been challenged as I hear Julie's stories about spiritual conversations she's falling in to quite naturally. It makes me long for a little more of that rather than all the conversations I'm in about how to do ministry better.

A cry for help answered

2009-01-25T19:44:00.000-08:00

Thursday afternoon I sat at my desk crying.
It's right on schedule... it's mid January (which means after the long December workload) Mike lost his job and i was tired from 74 hours on campus last week. (before i get mail, this week was MUCH better!) but i was crying, none the less.

I had hit the wall. I couldn't remember being this discouraged. What was it that had me over the edge? A pile of wood in the new unfinished basement. You see our basement is finally about to be finished. Construction begins tomorrow after about a 4 year wait. And, all the props, scrap wood, art studio droppings which have accumulated were to be removed somehow before then. I've known about the wood well, for about 4 years as the pile has grown but I didn't realize it would be up to me to get rid of it. Naive, per norm.

Morale on my team is kind of low right now. We're doing more with less resources. Isn't everyone? This is a blog for another day, but the idea of saying that we had about 10 hours of hard physical labor to add to their day off Monday, well it was this managers nightmare. I was stuck, stumped and a puddle.

So, I swallowed my pride, realized that I wasn't alone and fired off a cry for help.
Honestly, I don't remember the last time I did this. I'm pretty stubborn, bordering on martyrdom. I pride myself on showing up first, serving strong, not asking someone to do something i won't do myself, solving my own problems, cleaning up my own messes, you know... pretty independent and then at times unhappy about the isolation of independence.

When my boss/friend Jay heard my cry he took the task on, told me he would handle it and that I wasn't invited to be involved, thank you very much.
Now, it was his day off.
He had knee surgery about a year ago and this task was going to involve lots of stairs and weight to bear.
He had also spent Fri/Sat (the other part of his weekend off) working with some friends on a Memorial service.
It was above and beyond his call of duty, to say the least.
He emailed some of the guys at church, i mentioned it to Michael and voila' they got busy and got done in 3 hours what would have literally done me and my crew in.

None of them will want me to sing their praises, in fact, Michael, said "this is not a blog" ...so we can pretend this isn't about Jay McKenney, Tyler Braun, William Efird and son, Bob (Jay's father-in-law), Bryce Schroeder and Michael Fraser and learn that sometimes, when you live in community, it's ok to cry for help and let others help take care of things and you.

But acts of service is my love language and these guys are my heroes today.

thinking like a 40 something

2009-01-20T06:44:00.000-08:00

lately i've been realizing that i might be over the hill... on the other hand it's not all bad, it definately has it's benefits, being 40 something.

I'm more careful (full of care).
I have developed significantly meaningful relationships.
I feel things more deeply than i did when i was younger and there is a richness to experiences and moments that I may have taken for granted when I was younger.
I realize that life changes and try to savor what is here in front of me now.
There is also an awareness that life is pretty hard for most people and that how we navigate life when it happens to us is one of the most important ways we can reflect Jesus to people around us.

Recently our family got some tough news. Michael has been laid off from his job.
A friend asked me about how i would handle the news with the girls and as I thought about the answer I realized I want them to respond to the news as a full human being.

In their soul and relationship with God I want them to learn and to notice how God provides, how he is faithful.
Emotionally, I want them to be free to be afraid, to miss things they will do without, and to care for one another and especially Dad during a stressful time.
Mentally, I want them to engage in the challenge and be part of the solution, for us to pull together as a team.
I want this for them, and for me. But it's a grown up concept... to be well rounded and to engage all of ourselves in a challenge. Good thing I am over the hill...

community

2009-01-19T09:00:00.000-08:00

“A cheerful heart is good medicine” (Proverbs 17:22)

.
This past week has been tough, long and stressful to say the least. I'll write more about it as the week goes on but for now I want to share this bit.

I was E to the X hausted Saturday night due to some extra work at a conference and got the chance to run out and have dinner with friends, between sessions. I literally felt like a zombie walking up the stairs to Jenni and Brian's new place. Didn't think I had the muscles in my face left to muster a smile (it's more work than frowning- haven't you heard?). In truth, I could have cried as easily as laughed.

As I entered the house I literally was transformed by the love in the room, the comfort of being surrounded by people you could be real with, I spent the next 30 minutes decompressing and warming up.

Then, the games began. As they must. If Jay and I are in a room together (not at work) for too long.
I don't know if this clip will make sense to the masses, but I want to save/savor it so am posting it here.

As I left to go back to work I realized a couple of things...
first, I was energized by being around people who I love and who know and love me. It would have been my instinct to not go to dinner, to curl up in a ball somewhere with chips/salsa and Si Senor bean dip but the charge I got from hanging out with them was tangible. I returned to work with a renewed focus and enthusiasm.

And second. I think I love special events because "I can be nice to anyone for a couple of days." One of the arrows the enemy uses with me is that "if you know me long enough I will disappoint you." The truth in there, and there is some, has prevented me from diving in to relationships, from being real, from gutting through the good, the bad and the ugly with people God places in my life in the past. But I realized, as I went back to the conference, to do what was easy relationally, that the success I feel when something like that is pulled off doesn't touch the warmth of true community, of love and laughter with people you really, and I do mean really know.

The Boat Show

2009-01-12T19:32:00.000-08:00

"Barn's burnt down... now I can see the moon"

11 years ago our house burnt down. The short story... mobile home + old space heater with bad wiring
The rest is much more important...

It happened the weekend of the boat show in Portland, so every year, this weekend, I remember...

I remember someone yelling my name in a theatre during the opening credits of the movie Firestorm (serious, I couldn't make that up).
I remember running out an emergency exit into slow falling snow as we ran to our car.
I remember pulling up our street to see firetruck lights flashing on our neighbors home.
I remember the smell the burnt memories and the surprise load of clean "reds" laundry in the washing machine.
I remember the moment we found out a neighbor had saved our dog, Belle.
I remember spending the night courtesy of the Salvation Army.
I remember shopping at Target for underwear and being grateful I had worn my favorite JCrew denim jacket to the movie.
I remember the phone call to both sets of parents.
I remember being grateful our kids were with Granny.
I remember going through what was left of the house, the next day.
I remember Chris' Goosebumps library on his shelf, melted and the faces of Molly's dolls.
I remember realizing I had lost my piano...

When you have a fire, you learn things...

I learned to sleep with bedroom doors closed.
I learned to mail pictures of your youngest child to your family sooner... we have very few pics of Abby as a baby/toddler.
I learned to store important things low because heat rises.
I learned that you may never know how kind people really are until you are in need.

One story I want to always remember is the day the kids came home from Granny's and we told them about the fire.
Mike and I rented an apartment that morning, I remember how cold and empty it was.
We made our way to my friend Elise's house and waited for the kids...
The telling of the story is a blur, all we could do was get through the story and be with them. Then we made our way to show them our new apartment.
I tried to get myself "up" for this, committed to make the best of it... and when we arrived it had been made a home by my friends... as if by magic, they had taken rooms and filled them with the things we needed, there were presents in the living room (this was only 3 weeks after Christmas) and cookies were baking in the oven when we arrived. Chris' school friends went together to replace his new N64, everywhere we looked there was love.

I know I am changed by this experience.
I care less about stuff and more deeply about other things.
And, I cry more easily, even now, when I think of the love that we were shown.

This is how long ago eleven years is... this is the first day outside our new home.

Christmas on New Years

2009-01-05T09:09:00.000-08:00

We celebrated Christmas on New Years Day with Michael's family in McMinnville at Granny's house.

all of us (except Emily who was at work)the "kids table" though our grown up table... is pretty cool too

Gifts... How does your family handle gifts for one another?
This was year 2 of exchanging a $10 value gift "yankee trader" style. I like the idea, though i don't know if it worked out quite as well this year... And then each family also does something small for the other families.

My great (seemed like it at the time) idea was to make hot cocoa mix and homemade pretty marshmallows for everyone with a home (we now have grown up cousins in apartments etc.) Well... we had enough cocoa mix to sample 1 mug on the way to Granny's and it was SO thick, like eating a melted chocolate bar... and the marshmallows... never set up, so... not my best attempt. It's the first Tyler Florence recipe to fail me... so i'm figuring it was me.
My sister-in-law Karen... her gift this year was unbelievable, literally. She knit slippers for ALL of us... how cool is that? . She even knit them in the "right" colors for each kid... blue for Rice, navy/red and white for Westview and Orange/Black for our Beaver.

Turning a page...

2009-01-05T08:46:00.000-08:00

this morning feels like the end of a story...

the past several weeks have been so unordinary... the weather, the season, Chris home... I'm honesty still trying to sort it all out.

When we celebrated Christmas (finally) with Mike's famiy on New Years Day all his sisters, and mom L O V E D being stuck at home. I did not. I just could never really settle in. I think it was primarily the lack of independence... the fact that I couldn't hop in the car and be/do what I wanted... as I write that I think of Heather in South Africa who has the challenge/priviledge to live in a culture where some of their freedom is quite limited for a good cause, a real reason. How silly my musings are in light of eternity...

Last night at the Christmas (in January) concert, as the snow was falling again, Jill talked about seizing moments... this hit me hard.

I wonder if I wasted some moments. I'm sure I did... as I entered Chris' room this morning to look for the left behind cell charger, I'm very aware he's gone again and I wouldn't mind if he was here, being tripped over in the kitchen again... on the other hand, as he reminded me several times this visit, he is a man now. And in so many ways he is. He is independent, thoughtful, capable and pretty self-sufficient. It's always interesting when he comes home, as it changes the dynamic in our house and shines a light on some of the ways that we've found a new normal, some good, some not so.

I've been forced to slow down. Yes, forced. People who know and love me wish I would do this on my own. But I don't. The past three weeks though has allowed me the opportunity to take stock, to pay attention and it's not been easy nor does it feel good. In fact, there's alot that doesn't feel good. Friends hurting. Relationships that need to change/heal. Ugly in me. Lots for God and I to work on in the new year.

One thing about being home was I did a ton of cooking! One night at Chris' suggestion we tried making Chicken Tikka Masala. It turned out that it was on the night Zena was coming over for dinner. Which was fun because 1- she likes Indian food and 2- took some pressure off... because she's very tolerant of my cooking. It tasted better than it looks. It was great to reconnect with Z... she's family and we haven't seen her in TOO long!

Tradition... Tradition!

2009-01-01T08:14:00.000-08:00

A tradition of ours is bowling with the Schroeder's and other friends on New Years Eve. This holiday has been void of tradition due to the snow,so it was nice to do something that was 1- familiar 2- out of the house 3- with friends and family

(our famiy minus Mike who had to work late)

(Andy & Molly, Hillary, Abby, Marshall and Kelcee)

The general idea is that we don't care much about the bowling... but I do realize each year that I am a closet smack talker and pretty dang competitive, but it always gives me something to work on as a New Years resolution.

So long 2008...

i have trouble remembering...

2008-12-27T20:36:00.000-08:00

I'd stopped posting re: snow because it seemed so passe' and frankly we were pretty much over it... but today it's melting and i'm realizing it really will be gone soon... in fact, even today it didn't really quite seem real... kind of like Christmas...

So here are some final pics to help me remember... remember walking to the store
remember when we couldn't drive to Starbucks and had to make mochas at home...
remember how different and hilly and beautiful our neighborhood was...

and remember what it was like to all be home, all the time...
(photos by Abby)

the view from here

2008-12-21T11:06:00.000-08:00

well actually it's the view from our front doorstep...
it's ok i never really liked curbs anyway

described a chaotic scramble...

2008-12-21T05:42:00.000-08:00

in the headlines this morning, a plane in Denver caught fire during take off to Houston.

Passenger Mike Wilson of Denver described a chaotic scramble to leave the burning plane on updates he posted on Twitter.com from the airport using his cell phone.

this is one reason i love twitter... a real guy's perspective vs. the polished retelling of a story with far less energy.
Warning his original tweet contains expletives and zealous keystrokes but can you blame him... his plane was on fire.

The waiting is the hardest part - Tom Petty

2008-12-20T21:54:00.001-08:00

Planning is bringing the future in to the present so you can do something about it. Alan Lakein

Precisely...
precisely why i have been no fun for hours and am tied up in knots right now.
I am waiting for a decision about whether or not we'll have church tomorrow.
This is not a post about what I think we should do...so please don't comment your vote on staying open or closing. That's not it.

I believe that one of the most important skills in a producer is the ability to make a decision. This is something I've gotten better at.
Tonight i am living and leading in the tension of the unknown and trying to lead well.
I am a planner, I've become a decision maker.
I'm not comfortable not being able to plan and not making the decision.
I'm trying hard to look at my instinctive, flesh responses to the waiting and see how I need to grow and change.
Sometimes, no lots of the time, as a leader you gotta walk others through the unknown, frustration, disagreeing with decisions which are made, not made or yet to be made. It's just what leaders do.

For me, the real question tonight is not... will there be church, but will I be a proactive, supportive, encouraging, patient, authentic team leader, subordinate, teammate.

well i never...

2008-12-20T18:49:00.000-08:00

have seen or been in this much snow and it's in my backyard, literally.

This morning we made our way to Sunset to pack food & toy boxes for about 500 families in our community. This is a great tradition and one of my favorite "moments" at Sunset. It has a small church feeling to it... and feels like we're being the church.
We've been home for several hours and it's been snowing about an inch an hour. We're currently at 8 inches of snow.